From valley to valet, it’s the bling warrior’s car of choice
For those luxury SUV customers who hate to make decisions, allow me to present the 2005 Cadillac Escalade ESV Platinum Edition. The only choice you’ll have to make is one of four colors; everything else is included.
And I mean everything.
As if the regular Cadillac Escalade isn’t big enough, the ESV adds 22 inches to the length. As if the regular Cadillac Escalade ESV isn’t deluxe enough, the Platinum Edition adds “shale leather seating surfaces and pleated door-panel bolsters,” heated and cooled seats in the first and second rows and a center console with heated and cooled cup holders for the driver and passenger, with “exclusive beverage containers.”
There are “multiple forms of in-vehicle entertainment, including a Bose premium sound system with a six-CD changer and nine speakers, XM satellite radio and a dual-screen rear-seat entertainment system -- one 7-inch viewing screen for the second row, one for the third row. The system also comes with four wireless headphones.”
Outside, Cadillac says, “the boldly styled exterior receives tasteful enhancements, including the large luxury utility segment’s first factory-installed 20-inch chrome wheels.” The word “tasteful,” of course, is open to personal interpretation.
Actually, though, it was all done with some degree of understatement. Had the test ESV not been painted “Diamond White,” which made it nearly glow in the dark with a pearlescence -- incidentally, that color is a $995 option, and the only option -- I might not have felt so much like P. Diddy on my way to the MTV Awards.
Unfortunately for the Cadillac Escalade ESV Platinum Edition, I was not going to an awards show, but to pick up an auto. So -- it’s an indignity, I know -- I hitched up a dual-axle trailer, and off we went, the carpeted cargo area full of jacks and tie-downs and chains and a spare battery and various other filthy bits and pieces.
And you know what? The Escalade ESV Platinum Edition’s roots suddenly began to show. Those roots spring from the Chevrolet Suburban, a workhorse that is able to shrug off a trailer hauling a car as if it isn’t there.
Those big, chrome 20-inch wheels -- or “dubs,” as they’d say, if I was I pulling up to the valet parking stand, instead of the parking lot of Southern Pride Truck Plaza in Paducah, Ky. -- looked pretty good.
Under the hood, the 6.0-liter, 345-horsepower V-8 can’t be faulted. It’s thirsty, with an EPA rating of 13 mpg in the city, 17 on the highway, but it’s happy on regular gas. Towing capacity is 7,300 pounds on the Platinum Edition, 7,700 pounds on the regular ESV. I’m not sure why there’s a difference, except possibly the extra bling-weight on the Platinum.
Especially nice is the air suspension, which raises and lowers the body to maintain just the right height, even when you’re towing a loaded trailer. Even nicer is StabiliTrak, the electronic “stability enhancement” system that detects, then corrects, skids. All that, plus traction control, anti-lock brakes, seamless all-wheel drive, OnStar and side air bags, and I felt pretty much coddled.
Overkill? Maybe. Certainly there are beasts of burden available for a lot less than $71,670. But we all got home safe and sound, and the Cadillac Escalade ESV Platinum Edition cleaned up nicely -- nice enough for the MTV Awards, even.
That’s worth something. Is it worth $71,670? Ask P. Diddy.
