All set for love, seriously
A New Year’s quiz: Which best describes your love life circa 2004?
A. Lost
B. Without a trace
C. Cold case
D. Desperate housewife.
I thought so. For my part, I’ve already designed a plan to make sure 2005’s not a rerun of the last 12 months -- that is to say, extended periods of mood swings, TV shows and dark chocolate.
No. Things are about to change, my single friends. Next year, I’m planning to finally meet stable, mature, emotionally healthy women and, yes, date them.
To that end, I resolve to:
1. Stop dating unstable, immature, emotionally dysfunctional women.
Reality: Harder than it sounds, due to the fact that I absolutely love these gals. You call them troubled. I call them colorful. Sure they take antianxiety pills and cry a lot, but they sleep late and sometimes never get out of bed. Great for dating on a budget! Plus, nothing’s more fun than meeting a woman with really low standards.
Don’t worry, she’s not aching for a trip to Tahiti. A chicken salad sandwich will do just fine, thanks.
2. Spend more time around authentic happily married couples, in which the husbands can’t talk enough about how much they truly adore the little missuses.
Reality: Hello? Any of you out there? I’m currently taking applications. (Offer void if you’re over 80, still on your honeymoon, or Billy Joel.)
3. Attend more cuddle parties.
Reality: I haven’t made a lot of dates from these things, but it does make the hours go by. Except the time I awoke from a brief cuddle party nap only to find myself caressing another man’s elbow.
At least I hope it was his elbow.
Actually, I’m not sure it’s best to begin a relationship wearing SpongeBob SquarePants pajamas. Well, they told me you’re supposed to wear your normal sleeping attire. Oddly enough, many of the women I’ve met apparently sleep in heavy wool overcoats emblazoned with the words “Back Off!”
Must be one of those cutting-edge New York designers.
4. Pursue women based on character, not looks.
Reality: Ahhh ... the granddaddy of them all. This sounds great on paper but, honestly, we all want to be with someone good-looking. Odd-looking is never our first choice -- otherwise I’d be a highly compensated underwear model. Well, at least I have goals.
Men, especially, are very visual -- to the detriment of all other senses, which explains why they can read the ESPN crawl at 50 paces but don’t quite hear you when you ask them to rub your back. Sometimes, a person’s looks will grow on you, especially when you find out they have a really cool house in Pacific Palisades. Preferably with a housekeeper. And heated pool.
5. Stop turning against women who seem to like me.
Reality: It’s the old Groucho Marx joke: “I’d never want to belong to a club that would have someone like me as a member.” Example? As a high school senior, I refused to ask this girl to the prom even though she was nice, sweet and seemed to sincerely like me. Instead, I asked this whiny, annoying 10th-grader (younger woman) who spent most of the night making fun of my powder-blue tux and the fact that I hadn’t started shaving.
It’s fun to pursue someone -- even better if you catch them -- but that novelty ends fast. Then, the real relationship begins and you can’t lose interest just because you don’t have to court them anymore. You should spend every day like you’re still courting them. Women appreciate that.
Well, happy New Year. And look for my own TV show in 2005. It’s a gritty little drama about first dates so bad ... they’re downright criminal.
On an all new -- “CSI: Starbucks.”
Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.