Life on ... five-second delay

Fearing a naked breast (or something equally “inappropriate”) on the Grammys Sunday, CBS has decided to impose a five-second delay on the live telecast.

Fearing a naked breast (or something equally “inappropriate”) on the Oscars, ABC is said to be mulling its own five-second delay when it televises the Academy Awards later this month.

Fearing that I might say something inappropriate at my next family gathering (they’ve seen my breasts), I have decided to impose a five-second delay on anything that I say. The technology that will be necessary to achieve this is pending, although my brother has offered that I whisper my remarks in his ear before uttering them, and he, in turn, promises to get back to me within five seconds.

What is today, Thursday? Never trust what the media tells you, but all week, the media keeps telling you, America has been fixated on Janet Jackson’s right-breast-baring stunt during the halftime show of the Super Bowl.

Are you? I myself missed it, and I find the replays inconclusive. But the front page of Wednesday’s Daily Variety chronicled the very real fallout from the episode, or at least the very real posturing: CBS affiliates lambasted their network for allowing such indecency on the broadcast, while the Federal Communications Commission is deciding whether to fine each CBS-affiliated station that aired the Super Bowl or make the network foot the entire penalty for the offending image.

MTV, which has done more to promote gratuitous sexuality on TV than any network I can think of, and which produced Sunday’s halftime show, also expressed outrage, while NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, whose league has cheerleaders on every sideline dressed as hookers, also weighed in with outrage. (Or was it remorse? He is a bland man and hard to read.)

Meanwhile, word comes that the Grammys and Oscars will have so-called “decency delays” attached to each telecast. This is an attempt, I guess, to placate FCC lawyers (it’s an election year in Bush’s America), and to ensure that Jackson, who as of press time was still scheduled to be a Grammy presenter, doesn’t strike again.

Which leads us, finally, to the real tug-of-war beneath all the Sturm und Drang. When a celebrity like Jackson does an event like the Super Bowl, which is telecast on a major network like CBS, which sells commercial time for beer and cars and Viagra and the Internet (a football fan’s four food groups) at a reported rate of $2.3 million for each 30-second spot, it is impossible to sort out the excess from the “decency.” Thematically speaking, her stunt was of a piece with the rest of the day’s nine hours of Super Bowl television. Indeed, buried in the Variety story were the following two paragraphs: “The FCC has received 100,000 e-mail complaints about the Super Bowl so far; that figure doesn’t include any complaints arriving via regular mail.

“The complaints were not focused entirely on Jackson’s exposure; some referred to the dirty dancing, Nelly’s crotch-grabbing, the lyrics in some of the songs and Kid Rock’s cutting up the flag and wearing it as a shirt.”

One hundred thousand e-mail complaints? That’s it? What if Kid Rock had worn the flag as a pashmina? Would that have reduced the number? Hello? Is my five-second delay on?

Paul Brownfield can be reached at paul.brownfield@latimes.com.