Dating a very special someone: himself

Last year, a woman dumped me after I had given her the best four weeks of my life. We had hit the trendy bars and eaten at the hip restaurants, but in the end, it wasn’t enough.

Then I realized: After all these years of dating, I was losing perspective. Why was I going out all the time when it wasn’t bringing me the love and happiness I deserved?

Was I eating at Paladar to impress women or did I really like mashed yucca? I couldn’t tell anymore.

I needed to cleanse my palate. I needed a break. A break from dating.

To get things rolling, I stopped going to the gym. What was the point? To fill the void, I grew a beard.

At first, I continued to go out. It was like I was still dating, but this time, I was dating myself. And it turned out I was my own best date.

“Hey, Dog, let’s go to Hooters and watch the Lakers game!”

“I’d love to, Dog! We can order Happy Hour wings and camp out on a hard barstool for the next three hours!” I was living the dream.

I had no problem going to movies alone. Never again would I have to spend my nights at the ArcLight with its attitude and sit through some foreign romantic comedy in assigned seats. I was now free to hit a matinee at the Burbank AMC, watch computer-generated American car chases and pick my own seat, the way God intended.

That’s when I started to notice the financial benefits that came from not dating. Do you realize some of those tiny appetizers at Dolce cost more than an entire dinner at the HomeTown Buffet? And Dolce doesn’t have all-u-can-eat barbecue night!

Then, as time went on, I stopped going out altogether. After all, I decided, isn’t a man’s home his castle? Why leave a castle, ever?

I wallowed in my newfound independence, free from the constraints I had put on myself when I operated as a member of the dating pool.

Hygiene? Overrated! Dental floss? For wusses! I sat at home with a fridge full of Pabst Blue Ribbon and watched “Seinfeld” reruns, sprawled out on my couch in a stinky sweatshirt, sucking the plaque from my bleeding gums. Was I miserable? No! I was liberated!

Why did I ever date in the first place?

Oh, yeah. Companionship, personal growth, intimacy, love. All that stuff that, long-term, makes life worth living.

It took me awhile, but I eventually tired of my vacation from dating. I needed a woman in my life and the beard-growing was proving too time-consuming.

Last week, the time was right. I shaved, hit the gym, and flossed the gunk from between my teeth.

Once I was properly bathed and dressed, I set out to find my soul mate.

I went online and checked the personals.

I was back in the game.

Dog Davis can be contacted via weekend@latimes.com.