L.A’s Distressing Evaluation

Thanks to an unusually powerful combination of gloomy weather, thefts, divorces, suicides, unemployment and more gloomy weather, Tacoma has been named the most stressful city in the United States. Something else for Angelenos to stress over. We don’t even top worst-stressed cities. Thanks to an easygoing mayor?

Houston won the smog derby, briefly. Now this. What gives?

BestPlaces does many unusual studies for marketers and magazines -- Most Romantic, Safest, Best and Worst for Skin Care, Most Flea-Ridden and Most Drivable (we won’t win that either). It took nine criteria -- divorce, suicide, unemployment, violent and property crimes, self-reported mental health, alcohol consumption, commute time and cloudy days. Then it ranked 100 metropolitan areas. California has 12 listed, with Stockton-Lodi most-stressed at No. 8 and Orange County most laid back at No. 98. Los Angeles-Long Beach limped in at No. 32, less stressed than Oakland (24) and Riverside-San Bernardino (15) but more uptight than Bakersfield (34), Sacramento (36), San Francisco (42), Fresno (45), San Jose (56), San Diego (75) and Ventura (80). Yuba City is the most stressed small city.

Never mind the budget crunch, let’s examine -- urgently, if you’re up for it on a holiday -- how Tacoma, Miami, New Orleans, Las Vegas and New York outstressed L.A.

First, thanks to American Indians and illiterate settlers, Tacoma had many names: Chebaulip, Tacobe, Tacobud and Tsaletelitch. That’ll get you worrying right off. Tacoma is a misspelling of “Tahoma,” meaning “near heaven” or “the highest,” which explains the No. 1. Unverified legend also holds Tacoma means “city of 195,000 overshadowed by bigger place 32 miles north now home to Microsoft and Starbucks.”

Tacoma is home to some of the highest unemployment and divorce rates, which tie closely to high suicides and property crimes, but it will need to work on violent crime if it wants to remain champion stresser. Tacoma, like L.A., also has the I-5. Enough said.

Miami brings to the stress table high divorce and crime rates combined with long commutes. And the Dolphins have disappointed of late. New Orleans should be the Big Uneasy with high crime, unemployment, suicide and divorce. Las Vegas, the 20th century New Orleans without the swamp, has the most sunshine but poor mental health despite abundant alcohol consumption and gambling on machines and quickie marriages. New York has low suicides and divorces but high crime, unemployment, poor mental health and the worst commute.

Clearly, L.A. needs to drink and steal more, build another 101 Freeway and stop going elsewhere for divorces. We’re worried that it’s killing our stress ranking.