Pho and one man’s fate

It all started innocently enough with a mass e-mail from my friend Ryanne to a few of her best gal pals -- Carolyn, Audrey and me -- requesting an evening of pho.

Little did any of us suspect that things would end up bloody.

“Can we do all-girls pho night in Silver Lake next Thursday?” she asked. “We can re-celebrate the lack of cute boys and the abundance of cute loving girlfriends.”

“I’m there,” responded Audrey.

“Me too,” I replied.

“Pho sure,” said Carolyn, who then added dramatically: “Need to take a poll.... Remember that producer we met at Table 8? He asked me to have coffee today. I never responded since I forgot, but I plan on apologizing profusely and suggesting to reschedule. First, does this smell of date? He’s old. Plays a lot of golf. Think he would be a good match for Judy, the editor for Latina Style.”

An e-quorum was quickly assembled to deliberate on whether this man was date-worthy. For any of us.

“Oh, I think we all know what ‘coffee’ means.... We’re all adults here,” I said. “Go for the connection and the free food. Then ditch. Don’t let him touch you and get his smelly cologne on your nice coat.”

“Oh, fine. I will go for the connection (good), free food (good).... It’ll be tough, but I will resist letting him rub his face in my fragrant bosom like I had planned (bad),” Carolyn said.

“How old exactly is this guy?” Audrey chimed in. “I need some visuals since I didn’t meet this chump. However, the playing a lot of golf thing is generally a bad sign. I’m picturing aging frat boy in Dockers, bald spot, that sort of thing.”

“My guess is he will say Judy is not ‘his type,’ which means she is not young enough for him (over 15 years old or 15-years-old-looking),” Ryanne said. “I have been calling him ‘you dirty ol’ man’ and he has not even tried to defend himself.”

“Do we really want to do this to Judy? Just because she is a bit older than us does not mean her standards have declined. Let’s put ourselves in her shoes. Judy, c’est nous,” I said.

Carolyn offered a solution: “I think he’s got a thing for Ryanne too,” she said. “Dividing dirty old man between us makes it half the dirty old man, and I can handle that. If we divide it into fours, it would be better. Will two people please step forward and volunteer?”

You could hear the e-brakes squealing on the Internet superhighway.

“You know I have this whole ‘silverback gorilla’ issue,” I told Carolyn. “I’m getting therapy for it, but I think it could be several more years before I could date an aged man.”

“I just got engaged,” Ryanne said. “Did I forget to tell you?”

I think Audrey signed off because we didn’t hear another insult out of her.

And thus, the Starlet Chamber again decided the fate of a potential date: evisceration followed by execution. Still hungry after eating another man alive, the panel adjourned for pho.

Samantha Bonar can be reached at samantha.bonar@latimes.com.