When flaming marshmallows fly
If the boys at the Department of Defense haven’t yet earmarked a few billion for tactical marshmallow research, they’re overlooking what could be one of the most potent weapons in the American arsenal. It’s a startling conclusion, for sure, but one I feel qualified to draw, having personally witnessed a violent demonstration of the marshmallow’s capabilities during a Boy Scout campfire.
About a dozen of us had just finished supper. It was already dark. A parent brought out the familiar plastic bag and a collection of straightened wire hangers. As a character study tool, roasting marshmallows is more reliable than a Rorschach test. The meek let theirs hover too far above the flames. The Type A’s, unable to delay gratification, thrust theirs directly into the fire, willing to char their dessert beyond recognition as long as they could be the first to eat. The creative types approached the whole thing as a grand experiment.
Most participants that night were well-adjusted single roasters, content to brown one marshmallow at a time and savor the experience. A few self-indulgent ones were double-roasters. One creative young man, a future engineer, managed a rare triple using an innovative multi-prong skewer.
Problem was, the triple roaster also was Type A. He thrust the three marshmallows directly into the fire. About 30 seconds later, he withdrew a grotesque ball of flame. The marshmallows had fused into a molten mass that looked like a bad prop from an early “Star Trek.”
A flaming wad of marshmallow is about as easy to extinguish as napalm. Blowing on the blob didn’t help. With the goo dripping down the wire toward his fingers, the lad finally panicked and began waving the skewer, eventually catapulting it across the campsite. I will never forget the sight of that blue-orange comet streaking across the night sky, or the animal cries of pain from the Scout on whose bare forearm it landed.
I’ve often used the story as a cautionary tale for my children, but perhaps the Pentagon will find in it an entirely new weapons system, complete with “portable wire-guided ordnance launch mechanisms” valued at $12,000 apiece.
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-- Martin J. Smith