Dodgers Will Fold Up; He’ll Be Folding Out

Dumped the mother-in-law on a plane back to Chicago and sent the wife with her for a week. I have an idea what it must feel like to win the lottery.

I ate lunch in the living room, didn’t use a coaster and left the dirty dishes to be washed later. Maybe in a week. It was great.

I was feeling so good I thought I’d go down to Dodger Stadium and spend some time with the Choking Dogs.

The phone rang. It was someone who wanted to talk about the Sparks. I explained I was on my way to see the Dogs. They misunderstood, and it was kind of awkward for a moment before they understood I wasn’t talking about the Sparks.

“The tactical marketing director for the Sparks is in this month’s issue of Playboy because she wants to give the Sparks more exposure,” I was told, and I’m not sure the Sparks running up and down the floor playing basketball without their uniforms would get me to a game.

But I listened, because I’m a journalist. I even called the Grocery Store Bagger to have him dig this month’s issue of Playboy out from under his bed. Sure enough, Heather La Bella had been selected Playboy’s employee of the month, and being a journalist, I could see why.

“Women with interesting jobs are encouraged to mail their photos to our Chicago office,” a Playboy spokeswoman said, and if that’s a problem, they can be sent to me, and I’ll make sure they eventually get to the right people. Public service is something The Times encourages.

As for La Bella, she said, “I’m doing my job to draw more attention to the Sparks. I can tell you this, both Johnny and Jerry [Buss] were down for it.”

I’ll bet they were, I said, and explained I couldn’t talk any longer because I needed to get to Dodger Stadium. “I’ve never been to a Dodger game,” she said. “Why don’t you take me to a Dodger game, and I’ll take you to a Sparks game.”

Wait until I tell the daughter who can’t get a date how easy it is.

*

I WAS winded when I got to Dodger Stadium, as you might imagine, getting the late start. I noticed Jeff Weaver standing by his locker, and his huge necklace, and wondered whether that’ll feel like a choke collar as the season goes on.

They tell me the guy couldn’t handle the pressure while pitching in New York and flaked out, so I went gentle and asked him if the Dodgers could hold up.

“There’s no doubt in my mind,” he said, and I respectfully disagreed, of course, because history says the Dodgers are Choking Dogs.

“I’m done talking with you,” Weaver said, and I’m beginning to understand now why he couldn’t handle New York.

A little later pitching coach Jim Colborn started jawing at me in the middle of the clubhouse for upsetting Weaver, putting on a show for the rest of the players, finally telling me, “You didn’t introduce yourself to Weaver.”

The Dodgers, of course, make us wear nametags prominently across our rather large bellies with name and newspaper so each player knows who he’s cussing out when he’s unhappy. Unfortunately, I had no idea Weaver couldn’t read, but thanked Colborn for pointing that out.

Then I ran into Channel 7’s sports guy, Curt Sandoval, who wanted to know if I’d seen Jose Lima a night earlier pointing directly into the camera and calling out a certain newspaper writer who had written negative things about the Dodgers.

“You know who you are,” Lima said on camera, and why Sandoval was bringing it to my attention, I have no idea.

Lima said the negative newspaper writer had motivated the Dodgers, and said, contrary to what he thinks, “We’re going to be there in October.” If that’s true, I’m sure the Dodgers will vote to give this negative newspaper writer, whoever he is, a full share of playoff money for helping them get there.

*

YES SIR, the Dodgers are feeling pretty good about themselves these days. Cocky? “No,” the Micro-Manager said. “Confident? Yes. And these guys have a right to feel that way.”

Right now, of course, Jim Tracy is baseball’s Manager of the Year Without a Contract for Next Year, and after fattening up on the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Dodgers rule the NL West. If only the season ended on Aug. 1; they might hang on.

But when it comes to September, the Dodgers have shown an inclination to gag. So they still have to prove to Page 2 -- and that negative newspaper guy out there, whoever he is -- that they still aren’t the same old Choking Dogs.

So far, the Dogs get credit only for overachieving and getting everyone excited in July. Look a little closer and take this weekend’s big series with San Diego. How big can a series be when the Padres throw Ismael Valdez against Wilson Alvarez? The Dodgers proved they have the better reclamation project.

The Dodgers, in fact, started three has-beens against the Padres with Lima, Alvarez and The Flake (Weaver). How do you like their chances against the Yankees in October? The very thought of playing the Yankees might have The Flake curling up into a ball, and who takes his place? Hideo Nomo?

If it’s motivation the Dodgers need, I have it right here for them.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Tito Agena:

“Postulating that the Dodgers’ success is attributed to ‘ghosts’ in the clubhouse is probably the dumbest thing you’ve ever written. What’s next, blaming the Tooth Fairy when they make the playoffs?”

Of course not. Everyone knows the Tooth Fairy is the one who is going to come up with the money to keep Adrian Beltre here next year.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.