From Tragedy to Reflection, Refocusing

It was not a fun interview, the one two years ago with 18-year-old John Ha in his Tustin home. I remember a disheveled living room, full of family possessions and memorabilia, and an even more emotionally disheveled John Ha. Four days earlier, he’d learned that his parents, Can and Biccha, had been killed in a traffic accident.

Still in the early stages of grief, he had something else on his mind: his 16-year-old brother, Andrew, whose junior year at Tustin High School was fast upon him. John had decided that he and Andrew wouldn’t move and that he would take responsibility for Andrew. “I’m an adult now,” he said. “I have to raise my little brother.”

That August day in 2002 was the last time I saw John. On the day we talked, Andrew was at a pre-arranged student government retreat in Santa Barbara that John insisted he still attend, even though Andrew had spent a frightful few days dealing with his parents’ deaths.

Here’s how things turned out: Last week Andrew got the honor of representing the Tustin High senior class by ceremoniously moving the mortarboard tassel from the right to the left. And why not? He was the class president.

I’m not here to say who gets the credit for Andrew finishing high school with such flourish. I’m merely here to record the happy ending to an older brother’s pledge and a younger brother’s will. Knowing that friends, relatives and nonfamily members played roles, I don’t care who gets the credit.

“It’s been both fun and tough,” Andrew says of the two years since his parents died. “Financially, we were OK, so we didn’t have to go to work. But for me, it was tough to do homework, because I didn’t have the parental guidance. I did it, but it was harder, because I had ... a lot of distractions.”

But in that, he found a silver lining. While his parents would have insisted on single-minded focus on school, he says, he thinks he broadened himself by developing deeper relationships with friends and, even, other extended-family members.

He tells me his grade-point average dropped during high school, a combination of less rigorous study and progressively tougher classes. “My parents probably would have said, ‘Hit the books more,’ but they still would have been proud of me. Being a student leader would make them proud.”

Something else would have made them proud. Last weekend, Tustin High had its annual Reflections banquet at which some seniors offered theirs. Andrew began his this way: “Today, standing before you is a man who has experienced profound change....”

To an audience that grew increasingly hushed, he talked about what we expect from life compared to what we sometimes get. He talked about how straight A’s once meant everything. He described a world that “came crashing down” and forced him and his brother to redirect their lives. Eventually, he said, he sought a life not identified solely by his grade-point average but by friendship and helping others.

“I never had the chance to tell my parents how much I loved them before I was never given the chance again,” he said. “That is the thing I regret the most in life up until this day.... I now have a different view of life. I value every single second, and I never take anything for granted.”

Andrew says his knees were shaking while he talked. School officials who were there say he got a standing ovation. Principal Margie Sepulveda says tears flowed in the audience, with some hearing for the first time that this accomplished student had done it in the aftermath of a personal tragedy.

Andrew says his parents’ deaths haven’t haunted him. “It’s just something telling me to do better,” he says. “I’m glad the way I turned out.”

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana.

parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.