The trouble with non-date dates

Re Samantha Bonar’s “Comfortable? Then It’s Probably Not a Date” (May 6): Having been on the smitten side of one too many of these types of relationships, I have finally gotten wise. It has forced me to be more direct, which is perhaps a good thing.

This is what I have noticed, however: Many women want to have their cake and eat it too. They don’t go diving for their wallets when the bill comes; they dress up (to impress other men in the vicinity); and, when they sense my attention is starting to wane, they flirt a little to get it back. Don’t get me wrong, I think women make terrific friends; it just concerns me that a lot will read that last line (“new slave”) and think that sounds terrific! But I know you’re just having fun with your article. You’re not writing an etiquette column, after all.

Dan Stockenberg

Santa Monica

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I agree with Bonar’s statement, “The ironic thing is that these tactics more likely than not will backfire on you and make the man absolutely, painfully smitten.” A nice guy (one who is accepting with low self-esteem) will perceive these tactics as evidence that the woman is skipping the stages of early dating and already feels comfortable. The other type of guy (judgmental and higher self-esteem) will probably recognize the tactics and understand. Whatever happened to, “Let’s be friends first”?

“I am way too comfortable with you to be interested in you.” Can Bonar please explain? Compatibility is no longer a goal? One should look for someone who creates conflict, and a sense of “edginess”?

All the best.

Allen J. Feser

Santa Monica