Extra! Read Nothing About It

“I’ve stopped reading the newspapers,” Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Thursday in Baghdad to a gathering of soldiers, who broke out in rousing applause.

It was a joke. Or was it? After all, this is not exactly an administration of news junkies. The president himself admitted last year he “rarely” reads news stories, relying instead on the more “objective sources” on his staff to tell him what’s happening in the world. (Truth be told, White House staffers often outshine real journalists. That story they did about the African uranium was unforgettable, like a great novel.)

Here’s another reason I thought it might be a joke. Just a few weeks ago, Rumsfeld told a meeting of the American Society of Newspaper Editors that America’s leaders must be “challenged, internally through the complex constitutional system of checks and balances, and externally by a free and energetic press.” He also said our political system “needs information to be self-correcting.”

But that was before all this horrible news starting breaking, and reading the paper became so, well, unpleasant. The first lady said this week she “can’t bear” to look at the torture photos in the papers.

One can imagine even a man of Rumsfeld’s sturdy temperament being unable to stomach what’s on the front pages. It’s gruesome stuff, real depravity. To immerse yourself in that every day can be downright depressing. And a Defense secretary has to keep his spirits high! No wonder those soldiers cheered. A democracy may need newspapers, but that doesn’t mean anyone has to actually read them.

Still, the Pentagon chief needs a sense of the news, just in case it comes up in one of those endless Senate hearings they’re always making him attend lately.

I propose we put together an executive summary of what’s in the newspapers each day, specifically tailored to Rumsfeld’s professional needs. In fact, today’s “alpha” edition of the Daily Rummy is just out for his reading enjoyment.

Front Page: The only news that matters is the weather: “fair and breezy” in Washington. Summary: Iraq prison scandal could blow away by the weekend, as a “free and energetic press” loses steam and moves on to the Next Big Thing. Fingers crossed for a new Michael Jackson bombshell.

Politics: Kerry narrowing VP choices. Summary: Ridiculous future SecDef chatter gone, finito. And no mention of McCain -- yes!

Metro: Local schools getting ready for graduation. Summary: Just as in Iraq, where schools are open, roads are being rebuilt, democracy is blossoming and many, many other good things are being ignored by this excessively negative journalistic establishment that secretly doesn’t want the truth to prevail.

Business: Wall Street mixed, but recovery appears on track. Summary: The Iraq mission isn’t hurting the economy at all. Heck, the war might even deserve a little credit for stimulating this bounce-back, but nobody ever mentions that. Talk about ungrateful.

Media: Air America, new liberal radio network, floundering. Summary: Further proof there’s absolutely no constituency for the leftist antiwar message. Besides, who listens to radio any more? It’s old hat, just like the newspapers. TV is where the action is, and really, who’s better on Russert than a certain strong-jawed, unflappable Cabinet member?

Sports: Millions watch NBA Playoffs on TV. Summary: May mean smaller audiences for newscasts, where some are taking this challenging-the-leadership idea to shameless extremes.

Comics: Beetle Bailey has a couple of good old-fashioned soldiers engaging in wholesome G-rated pranks where nobody gets hurt or humiliated -- no naked pyramids or leashes. Summary: Those were the days.

Editorial Page: Defense secretary mentioned seven times, but not once in context of resignation. Summary: Mission accomplished.

Classified: Numerous help-wanted listings, perhaps a result of the recovering economy. One seeks individual “with major leadership experience on a global scale,” to take over a large multinational corporation. Promises seven-figure salary with benefits. Summary: Clip and save.