Sorry state of mind

Will Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez apologize for making “Gigli”?

Will the Baha Men say they’re sorry for recording “Who Let the Dogs Out”?

Will Donald Trump atone for his hairdo?

This is National Sorry Week, and the list of overdue apologies is infinite.

The idea for a nationwide remorse-athon came from toymaker Hasbro, which is celebrating the 70th anniversary of its classic board game Sorry!

Sure, it’s a publicity stunt, but Hasbro seems to have tapped into something. In recent years, the world has experienced an orgy of contrition. Between 1990 and 2002, the number of public apologies featured in the Washington Post and the New York Times doubled, according to regret expert Aaron Lazare, author of “On Apology.”

There are also apology websites (iapologize.com, the-apologist.co.uk), instruction manuals (“The One Minute Apology”) and laws (several states now prevent doctor apologies from being used as evidence in malpractice lawsuits).

Despite the upsurge, mea culpas often backfire. “A lot of people don’t know how to apologize,” says Lazare, whose book analyzes regrets throughout history.

So, as a public service for National Sorry Week, which ends Sunday, we present Lazare’s rules of apology etiquette, complete with examples from celebrity masters of remorse:

Step 1: Clearly acknowledge the offense. For instance, when then-Oregon Sen. Bob Packwood was accused of sexually harassing more than a dozen women, he bravely owned up to it by saying: “I’m apologizing for the conduct that it was alleged that I did.”

Step 2 involves offering a plausible explanation for why the offense was committed. Basketball star Latrell Sprewell and Prince Ernst August (husband of Monaco’s Princess Caroline) set the gold standard on this one.

After Sprewell attempted to choke his coach during practice a few years ago, he explained that he “had a bad day.” Likewise, when Princess Caroline’s husband was caught urinating on the side of Turkey’s pavilion at the 2000 World’s Fair, he took out a full-page newspaper ad that said: “It is my duty to express to the Turkish public that relieving myself during my visit to the Expo 2000 was definitely not a conscious act.”

Step 3 is to convey a genuine sense of shame or humility. A good role model for this is former presidential contender Gary Hart. After his extramarital affair with model Donna Rice was exposed in 1987, he said: “I am ... deeply sorry for causing the events that led to my withdrawal from the race.... I should not have been with Miss Rice.... But no troops were sent into combat to die unnecessarily, no laws were broken, no papers were shredded ... [and] no one lied to Congress.... Every one of those things happened under this administration. I exercised bad judgment, but ... not as bad as some others.”

More recently, basketball player Allen Iverson issued an exemplary statement after police pulled him over for speeding and discovered marijuana and a loaded gun in his car: “Mr. Iverson regrets that he allowed himself to be in a situation that reflects poorly on his judgment.”

You won’t find greater sincerity.

Step 4 in Lazare’s method is to offer some sort of compensation. If you’re Kobe Bryant, nothing says “I’m sorry” for cheating on my wife like giving her an 8-carat, $4-million diamond ring.

Another key ingredient in successful contrition is timeliness, such as Pope John Paul II’s 1992 apology for the Roman Catholic Church’s arrest of Galileo in 1633. Admittedly, the pontiff cut it a little close. If he’d waited until 1993 or ‘94, the delay would have been unacceptable. But 359 years is fine.

Politicians have also jumped on the historical apology bandwagon. British Prime Minister Tony Blair offered remorse for a 19th century Irish potato famine, and President Clinton apologized for the U.S. overthrow of Hawaii’s Queen Liliuokalani in 1893.In a similar vein, therapist Beverly Engel, author of “The Power of Apology,” has set up a website where people can post apologies as a “representative of an entire group of people,” such as a man apologizing “for all men who have molested, raped or battered females” or a parent apologizing “for all parents who have neglected or abused their children.”

Are we overdoing it? Absolutely, says Jay Rayner, whose satirical novel “Eating Crow” follows the adventures of a professional apologist hired by the United Nations to travel the globe, expressing regret for slavery and other atrocities.

I disagree. I say let the healing begin. In the spirit of National Sorry Week, I’d like to apologize for the following: the War of 1812, global warming, disco music, New Coke, “Joanie Loves Chachi,” Paris Hilton, the breakup of the Beatles, and Barney the dinosaur.

I’d also like to say I’m sorry to Cathy Chidester, a girl I tormented endlessly in the fourth grade -- mocking her Tennessee drawl and calling her names.

Cathy, I hereby apologize for the conduct that it was alleged I did. My only explanation is that I was having a bad fourth-grade year and it was definitely not a conscious act. I would also like to point out that no troops were sent into combat unnecessarily, no papers were shredded and no Turkish pavilions were urinated upon.

Roy Rivenburg can be reached at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.