How to complete a pass

Cheer up girls, help has arrived.

It’s come to my understanding that many of you Cute Los Angeles Women (CLAW) are frustrated -- and from all accounts, a tad hostile over the lack of suitors in this town. Despite the fact that you’re smart, pretty, interesting, warm, funny, serious, dazzling, sensitive, carefree and vegetarian -- you just can’t seem to attract a single guy with a decent credit score who’s not currently on trial for aggravated assault.

Worry not. I’d go out with you in a heartbeat. What are you doing tomorrow?

Seriously gals, now that autumn’s in the air, I know tons of Los Angeles Men (LAMe) who would love to date you. They just don’t know it yet. They’re called “football fans.” These are decent, hard-working boys often found gazing at an endless string of NFL games, highlights and analysis shows. (No need to watch them all, gentlemen. Unlike Olympic gymnastics, the final scores can’t change.)

Here’s what you don’t know: Guess what many of these guys are actually thinking about during their “SportsCenter” binges? Believe it or not CLAW, it’s you. That’s right. After all, our fair city doesn’t even have an NFL team. Who cares whether or not Jacksonville beats Buffalo? I know, but do you want to date someone from Buffalo anyway?

Honestly, these guys need to meet some of L.A.’s most eligible women. That’s where you come in. How do I know? I used to be one of them. Hanging out at sports bars -- a world inhabited by men who dine on potato skins and date once every leap year. The only women you meet in this environment are waitresses -- and they’re not impressed that you can reel off Peyton Manning’s career stats.

At least not the ones I met.

So give it a shot. Do your civic dating duty. Go over there, introduce yourselves and lull these men out of their touchdown-induced comas. I know these establishments might be out of bounds for you, but if things are as slow as you say they are, what have you got to lose?

I’ll make it easy for you. Here’s your guide to how these LAMe might respond -- and what you should do next:

He says: “You made me miss the halftime stats.”

You: Run immediately to the nearest exit. Do not pass “go.” This guy’s one step from painting his face silver and black.

He says: “I just lost $350 on this game.”

You: Run faster! He’ll bet January’s mortgage payment on the Super Bowl and plan your next birthday dinner at IHOP.

He says: “So, who do you like in the Monday night game?”

You: At least he’s trying. Give him a break. Make something up. Phrases like, “Those guys really come to play,” generally work just fine.

He says: “Wait a minute. You’re female, aren’t you?”

You: Don’t panic. You’ve jarred his memory. Speak slowly and clearly, while littering your sentences with the term “sudden death.”

He says: “Hi. Can I buy you a drink?”

You: Booyah! Unless he’s married. And even then, maybe he has some cute single friends who don’t hang out in sports bars.

A warning: Some of these fine young men haven’t dated in a while. Watching games and drinking beer can do that to you. As such, some may give you the impression that they’re hoping to go out with slinky 22-year-old models. Please. Science has proven that slinky models, given the choice between dating these guys and drowning, would grab some sunscreen and head to the nearest lake.

Don’t give up on us, Cute Los Angeles Women! We need you, we want you and we’d love to date you.

Now simmer down, the game’s starting.

Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.

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Next!

Guys, guys, guys: Is this a date or a job interview?