It’s not ‘the talk,’ it’s the dialogue

My 10-year-old daughter was halfway through a four-part human development course at school, and I was curious about her reaction to the information. So on a recent ride home from school, I casually asked if she had learned anything interesting that day. She responded: “I learned that people have sex for pleasure.”

Needless to say, I was surprised. But I also recognized the conversation as an opportunity.

For some parents, discussing sex with their children is an uncomfortable -- even dreaded -- moment. Many don’t know what to say; others assume that their children don’t want to discuss sex with them. Skirting the issue, however, comes at a price. Research shows that parents who have good relationships with their kids and who candidly talk to them about sex can positively influence their sexual decisions and behaviors as adolescents.

“American parents are not aware of their power and potential with their teenage children,” says Sarah Brown, director of the National Campaign to Prevent Teenage Pregnancy. “They feel they’ve lost their children to their peers and popular culture.”

But parents underestimate their own influence when it comes to sex. According to a survey conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teenage Pregnancy in 2003, teens report that parents -- not friends or the media -- most influence their decisions about sex.

Experts generally agree that opinions and values should be part of the dialogue. “Parents need to develop a point of view,” argues Brown says. “There’s not one right answer.”

And although good communication is clearly important, the overall quality of the parent-child relationship appears to make the real difference. Teens who feel close to their parents are more likely to remain sexually abstinent, postpone intercourse, have fewer sexual partners and use contraception consistently.

“It’s clear that where closeness exists the risk of teen pregnancy is less,” says Brent Miller, a professor in the department of family, consumer and human development at Utah State University.

“American parents generally think that if they want to influence the sexual decisions of their children it all comes down to ‘the’ talk,” Brown says. “It’s the 20-year conversation that makes the difference.”

There are several other ways parents can affect their children’s decisions about sex, starting with constant supervision and monitoring of their children’s activities.

Placing boundaries and limits on children of all ages is appropriate and important. Although extreme parental intrusiveness may backfire and trigger rebellion, children frequently welcome guidance from their parents. “If parents are on good terms with their kids, the kids are likely to tolerate a fair amount of structuring and involvement,” Miller says.

Parents should also pay attention to what their children are reading, listening to and watching. A study published last year in the journal Pediatrics found that adolescents who watch significant amounts of sexual content on television are twice as likely to begin having sexual intercourse in the ensuing year as those who watch a limited amount of sexual material.

Romantic relationships should be monitored as well. Relationships with an age difference of three or more years between partners present a clear risk for pregnancy and lack of contraceptive use.

“The younger partner has no negotiating power,” Brown says.

Parents shouldn’t assume that cautionary messages about sex will be unwelcome.

Nearly 9 in 10 teens surveyed think that it would be much easier for them to postpone sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents.

Despite media reports of rampant sexual promiscuity among teens today, survey results found that the majority of adolescents do not think it’s appropriate for high school teens to have sexual intercourse.

And, among sexually experienced teens, two-thirds reported that they wish they had waited longer to have sex.

Adolescence is still several years off for my own daughter. But conversations about sex clearly aren’t. That day in the car, I responded with a simple confirmation of what she’d learned in class: Sex is not just for making babies; people also have sex because they find it pleasurable. She seemed satisfied with this simple acknowledgment.

And I was satisfied knowing that we’d set the stage for more in-depth conversations about sex.

*

Dr. Valerie Ulene is a board-certified specialist in preventive medicine practicing in Los Angeles.