A kiss is still a kiss, if done right

“NEW Year’s Rockin’ Eve?” Not for me, apparently. I’ve just received the worst possible news: I don’t know how to kiss properly. Not the most romantic way to start 2006.

Evidently, this won’t come as a shock to all the unfortunate people I have kissed over the years. That group includes several dozen women and one man who, due to pending litigation, I can only refer to as the ex-boss who fired me while filling his punch glass at the company Christmas -- excuse me, “cultural awareness” -- party.

Hey, mistakes happen. He had long hair and, due to a mixture of bad lighting and vodka, looked quite fetching from the back.

Oddly enough, no one has ever complained. Not one woman abruptly stopped in the middle -- only to shriek: “You are the world’s worst kisser and I’m officially nauseous. Now please return my shoes so I can leave your sad little condo immediately.” You’d think women would tell you right then, instead of leading you to believe that they’re actually enjoying the kiss, when in reality, they’re trying to attract the attention of law enforcement.

But that’s the thing. Most women will not inform you until they have told all of their friends and posted their disgust on Craigslist. You don’t find out until strangers snicker at you on the street, pointing in your direction while making “puckering” sounds. “That’s him,” they’ll say. “What a complete waste of lips.”

It’s so not fair, especially with the most important kissing night of the year practically upon us. Quite honestly, you might not make it to Valentine’s Day unless New Year’s Eve goes smoothly.

I also just learned that women find this all quite disappointing. They’re truly hoping to find men who can kiss the right way.

How did I come across this secret knowledge? Amazingly, the woman I am currently kissing poorly had the courage to let me know before I embarrassed myself any further. She actually broke the female “code of kissing” silence to express her outright horror at my technique. A crushing disappointment for me, since I have honed my kissing mechanics over the years to the point where I’m apparently doing everything wrong.

Sort of like learning to play guitar without a really good teacher. After a while, you’re just perfecting your mistakes.

Fortunately, she’s a good teacher. This particular woman, whom I can only refer to as L.A.’s Most Patient Person, has let me in on several secrets that I would be foolish to freely share with other naive men.

OK, fine. Here are the basics: Slow down, and watch the “tongue action.” That’s all you’re getting out of me. Go find your own Most Patient Person. (Good luck!) Believe me, gentlemen, it’s way more complicated than that. I have it on good authority that your eyes, her neck and a bunch of other unlikely variables play a major role in proper kissing.

BUT I’m not going to spill all the details right here. Besides, I’m still learning myself. Good kissing takes practice, which explains why my dog hides when I enter the room.

Suffice to say, kissing’s a lot more fun when done properly -- or at least the way most women want you to do it. One more hint: Much like everything else, it starts with your brain. Change the way you think and you’ll soon change the way you kiss. Women have already figured it out. But how many guys will actually make the effort for the new year? Will you?

My advice: Act soon -- lest your girlfriend spend much of 2006 gazing wistfully at her new favorite TV show: “The L Word.”

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Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.