A $250 investment in a near-perfect man
In dating, as in real estate, the smart money is on the “fixer-uppers.”
Like a bungalow that lacks curb appeal, a guy with a superficial flaw is simply waiting for his potential to be recognized. It doesn’t require a team of homosexuals and a TV audience, either. All it takes is a well-meaning girlfriend with a credit card and a free afternoon to solve what I call the $250 Problem.
(Note: This figure has not been adjusted for inflation since it was coined circa 1995, in honor of Jeremy, a style-challenged lawyer -- shoes and haircut: $243.55. In 2005 dollars, that means that for the price of a pair of L.A. Eyeworks frames, you can get out of your own way and love the one you’re with.)
Here’s a quick test to see if you can be trusted with the task: Have you ever used the phrase “thread count” in a sentence? Have you paid a large Russian woman to slather you in hot wax and rip unwanted hair from your face or body? Can you visualize the color “loden”?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re qualified to make your boyfriend more dateable for less than a dollar a day.
What’s not a $250 Problem? If he’s married, he cheats, he drinks or drugs to excess, or is abusive, those things are all more costly, psychologically and financially. Anything else should run you about $250, cheap when you consider that that can buy you 10 months of an online dating service, two therapy sessions or that UCLA Extension class on fine woodworking you only signed up for to meet cute guys. Besides, while it manifests on your boyfriend’s person or in his domestic environment, it’s your Problem. You’re the one who is sensitive and judgmental. He’s just clueless.
So go ahead and find a guy who’s nice to you, who gets along with your friends, who’s sweet and surprisingly knowledgeable in the sack, because those are things you can’t change. Then get rid of that one thing you can’t live with and replace it with something that makes you crazy, but in a good, can’t-keep-your-hands-off-him way. How about retiring the college sweatshirt now that the 10-year reunion is a fuzzy, boozy memory? Help him understand that bad acid-washed jeans and white sneakers wasn’t even a good look for Jerry Seinfeld. If his current set of sheets is decorated with Disney characters, spring for new ones. Beer belly? Some private Pilates sessions can take your guy from schlumpy to hunky.
Of course, getting your guy on board is an exercise in diplomacy. You might try, “I think you’re wonderful just as you are, and I want everyone who sees you to feel the same.” If that doesn’t work, find a mall with a brew pub.
If you invest in a black turtleneck sweater and you’re still being snippy behind his back (or, worse, to his face), you may have to ask yourself, is it the shoes, or is it the guy in them? The offending item may have been masking more serious problems. (Or maybe you’re just shallow.) This is likely the case if you suddenly discover that he has a new $250 Problem. More than one problem per guy and you’re a serial problemizer. If he wanted to live with a nag, he’d still be at home with his mother.
And what if, after solving the problem, you perform a catch-and-release (because this is all about being humane)? You can feel virtuous knowing that he’s landed back in the dating pool with an improved style quotient. In fact, you may feel regret when you see your ex around town with a new girlfriend, sporting those Banana Republic oxfords you bought him.
Instead of second-guessing yourself, consider it a karma deposit.
Trust me. There’s another guy with another $250 Problem out there waiting for you.
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Alison Manheim can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.
