Vehicles that fail the crush test
Dude, how’s your car?
Ever consider the possibility that it’s wrecking your love life? Be careful. Your “ride” tells women a lot about you -- especially in this town. You don’t want to send out the wrong message. For example, my car says I’m too lazy to buy a new car. And who knows what the red fuzzy dice imply?
Now, if you’re concerned about your own situation, here’s a quiz that’ll help determine whether or not L.A. women find your current vehicle offensive.
Beginning of quiz:
1. Does your car have the word “Saturn” anywhere on it?
End of quiz.
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it’s little wonder you have nothing planned for the weekend.
That’s right. The wrong car can kill your romance before it has a chance to bloom. A Saturn? You’d have to “pimp” this car out just to get it to the “lackluster” stage. Still, there’s a lost soul out there somewhere who doesn’t understand how wheels like this can damage his dating career.
And that’s just one of the mistakes you might make. Your local car dealers offer many other models guaranteed to keep women from ever looking in your direction.
Here’s a short list of “what not to drive.”
Hummer
Let me guess. You’re planning to invade a small, underdeveloped nation. Or Tarzana. Honestly, no woman not currently serving time for aggravated assault wants to step foot in this monstrosity. Hummers are a shallow, desperate attempt to reaffirm your manhood -- not unlike cheering for the Raiders.
Toyota Prius
Nice try, Mahatma, but let someone else save the world. You’re trying to meet girls, not influence U.S.-Saudi relations. Yes, it’s a noble gesture. Yes, you’ll pay less for gas. Yes, your friends will want to drive it. But none of this helps when it’s Saturday night and you’re at home hanging out in a “hybrid technology” chat room.
Alone.
Why? This car’s about as sexy as a U.N. conference on global warming. It’s also odd-looking and comes in only two colors: boring and “boringer.” L.A. women don’t want to date martyrs anyway. When’s the last time you met someone really cute at a hunger strike?
Honda/Lexus/Infiniti/Acura, etc.
Yawn. Nice cars, certainly, but duller than Ryan Seacrest’s vacation photos. On the plus side, they’ll never break down -- unlike your last five relationships. Get one in white, beige or silver -- lest you show even a hint of originality.
Scion Xb
What are you -- 17? These fun, boxy wagons have both charisma and a wicked stereo system, but unless you’re taking Sally Jo to the spring formal, I’d leave this for the kids. Bright, sophisticated, sexy women won’t want to date you in this car; however, they might offer to correct your algebra homework.
An inspired choice, but you’re way too old, Potsie.
Jetta
Don’t tell me: You have three cats and a subscription to O. Men who drive Jettas might as well wear a sundress and “light wrap” in case there’s a chill in the air. Really, at least get one with a stick shift to salvage a speck of your former manhood. And I do hope you’re wearing flats.
Bottom line: No “new” car can really help your chances with L.A. gals. These cute, hip vixens have seen it all. Therefore, I’d go with a 1967 Pontiac GTO. Why? First, the women you want to date have never heard of Pontiac or, for that matter, 1967. Second, you’ll get points for being a hip, retro, muscle-car guy who’s willing to stand apart from the crowd. But find a good mechanic, since this baby will spend some time in the shop. On those days, you can always borrow your girlfriend’s Jetta.
Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.
