You don’t have to leave your room

Academics

Register online, buy your books on Amazon.com, pull your syllabus off the course’s website and do your research on the library’s computer.

Friends and lovers

If you go to the student lounge, they would know how long it’s been since you showered. Assuming you would find any they there. Find them on Facebook, Friendster or AOL Instant Messenger.

Food

Delivered from anywhere else tastes better than cafeteria slop.

Games

You could toss the pigskin around, except you’ve got the arms of a powder puff. But you’re the Tom Brady of the Xbox paddle in Madden 2006.

Music

Satisfy your dark longings from iTunes online or, uh, not buying it with a file-sharing program such as Kazaa.

Politics

Teach-ins and demonstrations? How ‘70s. Nobody ever got billy-clubbed for blogging.

Sex and drugs

Only if you’ve got enough dough.