Nobody Is Really Willing to Rat Out the Dodgers

These are the best of times at Dodger Stadium, Brad Penny and Jason Repko still unaware Monday night that the Dodgers had been eliminated from the playoffs Saturday, the vermin-infested food stand open again, and the chance for fans to watch the scoreboard and see how the really good teams in baseball are faring.

“It’s still possible [to make the playoffs], isn’t it?” Repko said. “Oh.”

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AS FOR Penny, he thought it might be tough for the Dodgers to win a playoff berth, but said “we still don’t know for sure.”

“We just haven’t been playing too well,” he added, “so we probably don’t have a realistic chance of making the playoffs.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

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I THOUGHT it might be a good idea when I arrived at Dodger Stadium to identify which one of the food stands had been closed by the Los Angeles County Health Department in case I got the munchies.

I asked Dodger public relations guy John Olguin, and he said no problem, but came back later to say, “I can’t tell you where the stand is.”

I thought maybe this was a new game the Dodgers were playing to keep the fans’ interest: “Guess which food stand has the rat?”

Olguin said “it was irrelevant” which food stand was closed because they were all open now. He also made a point of saying twice that the vermin remain in Dodger Stadium, but now “are in the clubhouse wearing media credentials.” You can see now why the McCourts put him in charge of the media.

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I REQUESTED an interview with the Screaming Meanie, and Olguin came back to say he wanted to know what I was going to ask her -- I guess to better prepare her personal crisis manager.

He returned to say she’d like to go out to lunch with me Thursday, and given the food-stand situation at Dodger Stadium, I’m not surprised. Funny, it’s been more than 200 days since she promised to call, and all it took was a rat on the loose to get her to ask me out.

Now we’ll see if she shows up.

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SINCE THE Dodgers wouldn’t say which food stand had critters, I began investigating. I asked Tom Lasorda, because I figured he had tried them all.

“You know, there was a restaurant using my name, Lasorda’s, and a writer called me and said there were rats all over the place. I told the writer, ‘Hey, I ain’t dead and I eat there.’ ”

Lasorda’s is no longer open, but the rats appear to have followed Lasorda.

I checked the Department of Health website and there was an “STD 427” notation along with the closure notice, so I went searching for the rat in Dodger Stadium -- past the frozen yogurt, pizza and picture of Derek Lowe -- and found “Food Stand 427” down the left-field line ... selling “Grilled Dodger Dogs,” or so the sign said.

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LASORDA, BY the way, now predicts the Dodgers will finish second. This was after he guaranteed they’d win the West.

I told the players on opening day “I had them pegged to finish third,” but now that they’re parked in fourth, as far as I’m concerned, they look right at home.

“If we finish fourth,” Lasorda said, “I’ll donate $500 to [Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA]. And if we finish second, you have to donate $500.”

I hope to have Lasorda deliver the check personally to the kids, along with some autographed baseballs and some cheery blarney about the Dodgers’ prospects for next season.

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TWO BIG home runs for Steve Finley in the last few days, and well, never a doubt. Maybe Mike Scioscia can join Lasorda for that trip to the hospital to drop off some serious cash, and show off a World Series ring.

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THERE HAS been a lot of talk about the clause in the Micro Manager’s contract that gives him seven days at season’s end to opt out of the final year of his deal with the Dodgers.

What’s new, however, is the fact the clause does not give him or his agent permission to talk to another team to shop his services elsewhere.

There will be some openings, but think this through -- who is going to convince their fans to buy tickets with the announcement they’ve hired a manager who just finished 17 games under .500 in the worst division in baseball? No one.

That means the Micro Manager is probably coming back -- unless he is fired because the McCourts need to do something to drum up interest in the Dodgers again.

Kirk Gibson managing the Dodgers? Would you buy a ticket to see that?

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THE DODGERS superimposed Milton Bradley’s photo into the team picture, and while I didn’t see them, it would’ve been the perfect opportunity for someone with a sense of humor to pose him next to Jeff Kent.

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THE DODGERS will give out Kent bobblehead dolls this week, so I told Kent I was hoping for a preview of what they might look like, but instead of showing me a doll, he stood in front of his locker and began shaking his head in all different directions. Mr. Chuckles had me laughing.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Dick Rice:

“As a very well-read writer, I believe that you have the responsibility to use proper grammar. This was not the case when you said, ‘The Angels put Plaschke and I on the scoreboard -- on Kiss Cam.’ I would have hoped that your English teacher had taught you that it should be”Plaschke and me.’ ”

Frankly, it would have been better had it been “Plaschke and you.”

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.