Armadillo catches the ear of the prez

NOW I know why President Bush has suddenly become aware of global warming: He heard about it from Fast Tony.

Tony is the hustling armadillo equivalent of Karl Rove in the animated film “Ice Age: The Meltdown” who, for the sake of commercial enterprise, warns the other prehistoric creatures that the ice is melting and the world will come to an end.

He uses the gimmick to sell hollowed-out twigs to be used as breathing tubes when the valley they live in is flooded by melting glaciers. To survive an apocalypse requires creative marketing.

One can argue that it was simply coincidence that Bush’s recent comments on the acceptance of global warming coincided with release of the film. Rumor has circulated in Washington for years that the president’s Saturday morning entertainment, following briefings by his staff on the war and the economy, consists of watching cartoons.

Because he’s the nation’s chief executive, it figures that the latest animated features are always at his disposal, so “Meltdown” was no doubt awaiting him on the Saturday morning before his serious awareness of the looming environmental catastrophe predicted by Fast Tony.

Until viewing the movie, the president assumed that the threat of global warming was a ploy by atheistic liberals to cause fear and trembling among people who otherwise believed that only God controlled the world’s fate, not aerosol fumes and cow flatulence. They were content to pray and light candles and let it go at that.

Then suddenly, the prez is talking up environmental hazards. Until then, an ecological disaster was considered rain on the Easter morning egg-rolling contest. Now he’s Henny-Penny. How come?

Events suggest a possible scenario. Follow along as best you can:

Bush is in his cartoon room watching “Meltdown.” He hears Fast Tony’s warning about melting glaciers and global flooding, sees buzzards circling like Democrats over the creatures fleeing from a potential doomsday and turns to his wife, who often joins him during what they call their Fun Time.

“What’re they talking about, Laura?” he wants to know. “Why are the little dung beetles and all those other creatures running up the mountain like that?”

“They’re worried about global warming, dear. They’re fleeing to the high ground.”

“That’s what global warming is?”

“It’s only a cartoon. I’ll put on ‘Shrek.’ You like the dumb, hulking monster.”

“No, leave it there. I’m the president. I have to know these things.”

Transfixed by the calamity and shaken by aquatic predators depicted in the movie, Bush instantly determines to take action against global warming. He summons his staff and calls for ideas to deal with it. Only Shotgun Dick Cheney, who has gone friend-hunting for the weekend, is not available.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld suggests immediate military intervention, but since no one can suggest where they might intervene, the idea is tabled. Karl Rove, a master of diversion, wants to put a different spin on it: not global warming but longer summer days with more opportunities for picnicking and lazing about on the veranda sipping Mom’s lemonade, not to mention new waterways for boating and fishing.

Idea after idea is rejected, although issuing tubes for underwater breathing comes close to acceptance, until finally the president sees no other choice but to acknowledge what Fast Tony was talking about: Global warming might eventually kill them all. So suddenly, Bush is not only a war president, he is also an environmental president.

Those who have been begging him to accept global warming as a scenario for disaster are delighted, and Hollywood’s peace activists are said to be already outlining the story for a new animated feature that will emphasize the dangers of armed conflict in a nuclear age.

Mushroom clouds exploding throughout the globe will not only blast Scrat the Squirrel and his elusive acorn but also threaten the lives of myriad other lovable talking animals who will be quickly turned into pot roasts and plucked to the bone by scavenging birds of prey that look a lot like Ted Kennedy and John Kerry. Only Christian fundamentalists and mutated Republicans would survive.

Bush will rush right out of the cartoon room scared to death and swear he’ll never start another war, if only for the sake of the perky little squirrel and the baby dung beetle. And all the animals of the land will cheer.