This red carpet is wall to wall

SO what if you couldn’t score tickets to Hollywood’s favorite love fest -- the 78th Annual Academy Awards -- or if hanging with the red carpet’s bleacher creatures doesn’t sound appealing (most of them are tourists anyway). There are steps you can take at home to make your own Oscar party a Gil Cates-like production:

1. Send out invitations with entrance tickets. Specify that because of security reasons and seating capacity, guests must have the nontransferable tickets with them to enter the festivities.

2. Specify dress code. These are the Academy Awards, so dressing for impressing is a given. Also tell your guests to wax, tan, Botox and collagen-enhance to their hearts desire.

3. Hire security to enforce rule No. 1. No one has to know that the two beefy guys at the front door are your cousin and his fraternity brother.

4. Have guests walk a press gantlet. During the Oscar pre-show, get a friend to ask Joan Rivers-type questions -- Who are you wearing? Who’s the buxom blond on your arm -- before guests can enter the party. Make sure your Rivers wannabe mispronounces as many names as possible.

5. Assign seating. Dole out the prime seating to your VIPs -- the boss and his wife, the girl/guy you’ve been crushing on or anyone else who needs a little sucking up. Reserve the chairs farthest away from the TV (“rear balcony”) for your kid sister and her friends.

6. Have seat fillers at the ready. Assign seat filler roles to those guests who don’t merit a spot on the sofa. Every time a VIP needs a restroom break (which should be limited to commercial time), plug the empty chair with a seat filler.

7. Hire Wolfgang Puck. He may be a little busy that night catering the Governors Ball, but his cafes are available for takeout and delivery.

8. Starve your guests. A limited amount of food and drink should be served during commercial breaks. Break out the majority of the grub only after the ceremony ends. These are the Oscars, after all, not the Golden Globes.

By following these rules to a T, your party is guaranteed to go over at least as well as David Letterman’s “Uma-Oprah” shtick. Your guests will be talking about this one for some time to come. Trust us.

-- Christine Ziemba