Aiming High -- and Low -- in 2006
Be it resolved, I commit myself to the following paths to betterment in 2006:
* Reduce my sugar intake by eliminating the 10 a.m. and midnight Pepsis.
* Pull trigger on new TV purchase, even if I never fully understand what kind of set I’m getting or how to turn it on in the dark.
* As a show of good faith, donate one of my organs to UCI Medical Center, but only on condition they return it if not used within a year and if they can find it.
* Replace Robert A. Schuller as pastor at Crystal Cathedral and, as first decision, order heavy purple curtains for main sanctuary.
* Make first trip to Nixon Library, which opened in 1990.
* Do 50 push-ups.
* Determine conclusively whether Irvine Councilman Larry Agran is Boss Tweed or misunderstood visionary.
* Make the final table at a World Series of Poker event. Then make “all in” bet while holding pair of deuces.
* Spearhead statewide drive to limit county sheriffs and district attorneys to two terms.
* In an effort to “give something back to my community,” make regular donations to a sperm bank.
* Change my eye color.
* Write at least one highly successful novel while remaining humble on national book tour.
* Find an Orange County Republican to vote for.
* Play catch for 10 minutes with Darin Erstad.
* Disguise myself as a Mexican immigrant and begin a new life in America.
* Try to figure everything out.
* Buy an NFL franchise and locate it within easy driving distance of my home.
* Rehearse like crazy and try to unseat Hal Landon Jr. in his 26-year run as Scrooge in South Coast Repertory’s “A Christmas Carol.” Then, during final performance, intentionally muff all my lines and start improvising.
* Come up with a reality-TV series introducing Orange County as new hip cultural mecca. Think of calling it something like “The Orange County.”
* Explore more opportunities to do things for strangers, assuming, of course, there’s still a nice payday in it for me.
* Either play more golf or give up the game completely. Try even harder to get a hole in one.
* Invent something that will transform life as we know it, but which will be available at an affordable price.
* Buy or sell something on iPod. Then get an EBay to keep all my tunes that I burn off my DVD.
* Get invited to a rich person’s house to see what it’s like inside. Then invite them to my apartment and insist they take off their shoes.
* Wipe the cobwebs off my bicycle, de-rust the moving parts and give it to someone who will actually ride it.
* Calling in whatever markers I can, try to score free tickets to USC-Nebraska football game at the Coliseum in September.
* Begin Christmas shopping the third week in September so I don’t get stuck again without a present for Mom because every 99-cents store claims to be out of Christmas tree ornaments.
* Spend more quality time in Laguna Beach, but not like last year, when people got spooked about “mystery figure” looking in their windows at 11 p.m. and not believing stories that I was scouting for decorating tips.
* Possibly get a cat.
* Tinker with early-morning routine by getting dressed after I get to work.
* Become pen pals with at least one Orange County city council member.
* Sign up for several self-improvement courses at community colleges.
* Think of at least 15 ways to sell newspapers to a new generation of readers.
* Find out if they’re really serious about boring a tunnel through the Santa Ana Mountains.
* Join Eharmony.com and see whether, as a modest goal for the first year, I can start at least three new families with “perfect mates.”
* No more schlock columns.
Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana
.parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.