Just call me Mister Environmental Disaster

SO NOW COMES word that the jet stream is slowly pushing the world’s deserts toward heavily populated areas. And because I’ve lived long enough to know how modern humans think, I know it’s only a matter of time until I get blamed for this. Some uptight scientist or a blowhard politician or Larry David’s wife is going to accuse me of -- oh, I don’t know -- letting my car engine idle for too long, which creates a thermal something-or-other that increases the whatever-it’s-called up in the jet stream, which makes sand blow all over Sacramento.

Before the accusations fly, let me be the first to offer a preemptive opinion on the matter: I couldn’t care less.

Actually I’m happy about it. I’ll even take the blame. Gladly, in fact. If you live in Colorado Springs and there’s sand in your pool filter this summer, I want you to think of me with my idling car and my Styrofoam cups and my tendency to use too many chopsticks. Whatever behavior I engage in that causes sand to creep into your yard, through your windows, onto your floors and into your socks, I’m going to keep on doing it, and doing it with gusto.

Why?

First of all, I’ve never liked the jet stream. Don’t ask me why; it’s just a visceral thing. Some people hate Bill O’Reilly, I hate the jet stream. Many (not all) of my friends think I’m crazy. They’re tired of hearing me go on and on about how “the jet stream did this and the jet stream did that.” Perhaps they’ll be singing a different tune after it’s turned their property into a cat litter box. We’ll see who looks crazy then.

Second, if Al Gore is right (and eventually he’s going to be, you know) and the polar ice caps melt and our coastal regions disappear beneath rising oceans, wouldn’t a little sand in your front yard make sense? You’re going to have waves gently lapping against your white picket fence anyway. What are you going to do? Sunbathe on your dying lawn? Have you seen what saltwater does to grass?

If you’re lucky, you’ll have beachfront property. If you’re unlucky, you’ll just have beach property. Either way, it will sound nice in the real estate section when you try to sell the place and escape to higher ground.

I’m sorry, I just can’t take the environmental blame game anymore. First they told me to stop littering. If that wasn’t bad enough, they expected me to actually separate the litter! No more. This time around I’d rather just accept my role in the destruction of my planet than try to convince the tree-huggers that it’s ExxonMobil’s fault. Or, God forbid, nature’s fault. After all, who in his right mind would ever believe that nature, and not humans, would do something harmful to the world?

That’s just crazy.