Marriage, or something like it
WHY are women so afraid to use the “M” word (“marriage”) when discussing with our dates what we are looking for in life? Perhaps we are so used to men dancing around the word (or the concept) that we feel that we need to first check out where they are at before we make our intentions clear.
I recently had lunch with a man who talked nonstop about his career history and achievements. He was either trying to impress me or mistook me for a potential employer.
Either way, I lost interest somewhere between his first job out of college and his midlife career change. I made the best of it, however, concentrating on my lunch without having to worry about making conversation between forkfuls of food.
Later I asked him, “So what are you looking for in your personal life?” He appeared confused by the question, so I rephrased it in terms that he’d be able to understand. “What is your five-year plan for your personal life?” again emphasizing the word “personal.”
“Uh ... I’m looking for someone to share my life with ... You know, a ‘significant other.’ ” Hmm. “Significant other.” I don’t remember seeing that category on any JDate profiles. Is that like a POSSLQ? For those of you who don’t remember the term (pronounced “poss-ul-q”), it was created by the U.S. Census Bureau for “Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters.”
How romantic!
I had fantasies of sending out announcements to my friends. “Brad and I, after being ‘significant others’ to each other for six months, would like to announce that we have decided to consecrate our love by becoming POSSLQs.” My grandmother would turn over in her grave.
Not wanting to jump to any conclusions about his intentions, I asked him to elaborate. “Well ... uh ... I don’t like living alone. I’d like some ... company.” I wondered how long he would like his “company” to stay before “overstaying her visit.” An afternoon? An evening?
I could see that I needed to take a different approach to the topic. “And how do you envision your time with your, uh, significant other?” He had no problem answering: “Well, I love to travel to Asia. I’m into all sorts of water sports, especially rowing, and I really get into the Zen of it when I’m there. I would keep my house here, so I could be close to my three children, and have a house someplace in Asia, preferably China. She and I would travel back and forth every few months, and in between, we’d spend time with my children and, hopefully, grandchildren.”
Well, he certainly was looking for a commitment -- to have a “significant other” (or whatever he wanted to call her) keep him company while he continued to live his life exactly as he was living it now.
“What if your, uh, wife [I was testing the waters, seeing whether he would even say the word] doesn’t like Chinese food?” He thought for a moment and then replied, “That’s OK. I’m not married to the idea of China. If my significant other [no, he couldn’t say it!] would rather live in, let’s say, Japan, I could commit to that.”
Based on his word choice, it seemed that the only thing that he could commit to was not making a commitment. Finally, he asked me, “What about your five-year plan?”
“I’d also love to travel, but I’m committed to Europe and definitely married to Italy. And, oh, yes, I also would like to have a significant other. Only I’d prefer to call him my husband.”