Romance? Sorry, it’s not on the list
I thought I had a good grasp on the dating-and-mating game until I learned about “the list.” Apparently it’s in vogue right now to create a list of all of the traits you seek in a mate, to help your chances of snagging that perfect person.
Maybe it’s a byproduct of the bestseller “The Secret,” which basically advises you to tell the universe what you want, visualize it and then it appears -- a concept with broad appeal not only for control freaks but also those with an inflated sense of entitlement. The notion does, however, trigger my pragmatic side; the checklist for one of my recent dates included 1) chronic halitosis, 2) crabbiness after work and 3) credit card debt. Postscript: Keep dating.
Society’s obsession with list-making seems oppressive, and certainly in the dating arena, where deal-breakers are often worn like badges of honor, itemizing tends to complicate. If cave-dwellers had kept a list, it would have been such a simple memo. He wanted sex. She wanted shelter. Scientist have proved that our DNA has remained virtually unchanged for thousands of years, so why mess with things?
The unfortunate side effect of today’s fascination with list-making is that it dilutes the quality of courtship. Time would be better spent by doing something that actually inspires romance. Dating can be about discovery. What about the theory of giving someone a chance, of dating with an open mind, of give and take? Of allowing yourself to be surprised? Growth opportunities exist in seeing someone, even the wrong person. Regrettably, immediate gratification is the name of the game these days.
Maybe I’m just aghast at a friend’s list that ran more than 100 qualities long, but are singles so confused that they need a score card to remind themselves what they like in the opposite gender? Is there anything more primal than the chemistry felt when attracted to the opposite sex? Doesn’t anyone watch the Discovery channel anymore?
Or is it just easier to profile people? Dating can be hard work. It’s an endeavor that requires patience, learning from past mistakes and self-awareness. One of the benefits of dating is that you can see yourself through the fresh eyes of a potential mate -- a prospect that must make the narcissistic list-makers a little bit queasy.
Two friends of mine had recently met great guys. They were impressed by how many “requested traits” their new boyfriends had, and compared lists. One of the gals was dismayed when she got a peek at her friend’s more-extensive inventory. She hadn’t thought to request how he sized up in certain areas. Her friend asked if she had slept with him yet.
“Nope, not yet.”
“Hurry, add it to your list when you get home tonight.”
These lists might feel like magic, but I’m not sure they can change anatomy. Of course, I do think it’s wise to consider carefully what you need in a mate, but I’m not sure the whole process lends itself to diagraming. But if your powers of visualization hold that kind of sway with the master of the universe, more power to you. I wonder, though, about the list-masters who spend days pondering the perfect person rather than living their lives: What color is the sky in their universe?
--