The valentine of his dreams

My perfect gal should be nice, pretty, fun, smart, happy and any other adjective of an indeterminate nature.

She will love life and be so peppy and upbeat that some may confuse her for manic. But she is not manic. She does not have any issues -- physical, mental, emotional, economic or otherwise.

She loves to laugh, mostly at my jokes. She will bring me up when I’m feeling down and bring me down when I’m feeling up, and bring me saltine crackers with peanut butter and jelly stacked just so when my tummy hurts.

She should love herself and be happy on her own, but be available whenever I call and not be annoyed when I don’t. She should be independent and have her own interests (but only if those interests include watching football and bringing me and my friends beer and chips).

She will be naturally beautiful and not need an ounce of makeup, unless it is undetectable. She should love to go out or chill out at home, but generally prefer the cheaper option.

She should be sexy but innocent, experienced but pure, tall but short and thin but thin, and not mind men who are shorter and heavier than her with a thyroid problem that makes them prone to profuse sweating.

She should be as comfortable in a black dress as in sweat pants, although, if she’s smart, she will always be in the former.

My ideal mate should be worldly and well read, but she should not have too many thoughts about too many things unless they agree with my thoughts. She is sparkling but never outshines me. Better yet, she will not speak in public and rarely in private. Especially not in front of my mother, the most amazing woman alive.

My ideal partner should be close to her family -- “gets lots of money from them” close, not, “we have to see or speak to them a lot” close. She should be of ideal childbearing age (22 to 26), as I want to have lots of children before I turn 60 in five years.

She should like to ski, heli-ski, snowboard, boogie-board, surf, bodysurf, kite-surf, Web surf, sail, parasail, paraglide, hang-glide, bungee jump, sky dive, rock climb, mountain climb, snorkel, scuba and hold her breath underwater for 15 minutes just for my amusement.

She should have been involved in at least one serious relationship before me, although it would be preferable if the guy turned out to be a really big loser, gay or was found dead of natural causes.

She can move mountains, break the ice, kill two birds with one stone, have a bird in hand, keep her head above water, turn the other cheek, swallow her pride, make my mouth water, take my breath away and leap over tall buildings in a single bound.

She should avoid cliches like the plague.

Really, though, this is just a general guideline. In matters of love, who can predict anything? I’m really very open.