Getting put to a test you can’t win
It is my belief that there is a subset of women called “Testers.” Whereas most women gather information about a man naturally over time, the Tester deliberately sets up an obstacle course of hoops and hurdles designed to get right to the core. It’s the dating equivalent of “Fear Factor.” But unlike the game show where the contestant is challenged to eat a bug or go home, in the dating version he often doesn’t know he’s being tested until he’s already failed.
A friend recently told me about a second date she had. Things were going well until he told her she looked “yummy.” I thought it was cute, but she was turned off immediately and irreversibly. He never got Date 3 and will never know why. How did “yummy” get to be such a deal breaker? She couldn’t really explain it, but you can be sure I’ve excised all food-related compliments from my lexicon, like “delicious” or “scrumptious” and especially that old chestnut “you look good enough to eat.”
Of course, in a relationship, all of us test and are tested to some degree. What man hasn’t had to answer the ubiquitous “Do I look fat in this dress?” or its vicious cousin, “Do you think I need to lose weight?” (The correct answers, by the way, are “no” and “no.”) The degree of difficulty is upped when the question involves another person, as in, “Are you attracted to my friend Heidi?” If you are not, look her in the eye and say so. If her friend happens to be Heidi Klum, that simple yes/no question becomes an essay.
And if you somehow make it past this round, the true Tester won’t stop there. She is a master of the far-fetched hypothetical designed to probe multiple and often conflicting facets of a man’s character and personality. “If I told you Heidi was bisexual, would you want to have a threesome with us?” She’s now testing your sexuality, your morality, your loyalty and your opinion of her sexuality, morality and loyalty. Or, she thinks Heidi is hot and really does want a threesome. In either case, the correct answer is to fake a heart attack.
Tests are not always issued in the form of a question. Like a game show, there are also physical challenges. Open the car door? Easy. Fetch beverages at the movie? No-brainer. But if her feet hurt and you didn’t offer to get the car by yourself, the Tester will remember. She’s feeling a little under the weather? Stop at Canter’s for chicken soup on your way over, or it might be your last visit. What if, during the fourth quarter of a playoff game, she calls her mother? You know that conversation can’t end well. Do you: (a) continue to watch the game, pretending you don’t hear her occasional sobs, or (b) shut off the game and lend a supportive ear and shoulder to cry on? The correct answer is TiVo.
My mother constantly tested my father. I think he had no better than a C average, but my mother always gave him a makeup. That’s possibly one of the keys to a successful relationship: failure followed by a chance at redemption. But the Tester grades more harshly. You can score 90% and think you’re doing pretty well. To the Tester, though, that’s 10% wrong. Over 10 tests, that 10% becomes cumulative. If you do the math the way she does, 10% x 10 = 100% wrong!
I don’t know how many Testers are out there, but I fear their ranks are growing. My guess is an otherwise nontesting personality can become a Tester from years of dating disappointments. Everyone accumulates their own dating “red flags” from experience and many are valid.
Testers can be trouble, but have I become so much of a Tester myself that I will never date another one? Well, not unless she grades on a curve.
--