TECH REVIEW

Want to put a pillow on your relationship and smother it? Or maybe hit an extended snooze on that incessant biological clock? Grab your Apple iPhone: There’s an app for that.

Girlfriend Keeper

Price: 99 cents

What it is: For some reason, that David Lee Roth song “Just a Gigolo” from the ‘80s kept playing in my head when I set this one up. The app’s name might be ironic.

The app is either a fun, lighthearted take on flirtation or the lazy lover’s crutch to communication.

You set it up to send generically customized texts or e-mails (or both) to your special person, nominally from you.

Now, “playas,” hold up. It is programmed to handle one recipient at a time, so don’t count on managing your romantic rundown with this app. Although I suppose you could keep one on autopilot with this and really woo another. There’s a history of communication in the app, so you can track the love notes “you” sent.

You can set the frequency of messages and “relationship level” -- strangers, casual dating, heating up, serious or married. Some of the messages seem to be coming from a socially awkward IT professional. Example: “Chelle, Fact: a flea can jump 130x its height. Can you beat that?”

My heart still flutters when I read that one.

The texts could possibly be interpreted as having come from you, but there is no mistaking where the e-mails are coming from, even if you set it up with your name. If your sweetie tries to reply, this appears in the “To:” field: no-reply@girlfriendapp.com. Gee, how romantic?

The texts range from indescribably inane (“It is impossible for you to lick your elbow”) to moderately amusing (“I pushed a door that said pull. No one saw”) to sweet (“I miss you”).

Bottom line: If you’re too lazy to text, what else are you too lazy to do? If I found my name and info in this app on my man’s iPhone, I might personally text him back: L8R!

BabyBuilder

Price: $1.99. Lite version is free.

What it is: Ladies, you can exact your revenge by sending your significant other a look at what amazing creature you’d create together.

First, the fact that you’re thinking babies could be enough to scare him off. Second, these creations are possibly nightmare-inducing.

The babies are supposedly based on key features from pictures you upload, whether it’s you and your significant other, celebrities or people whose pictures you snap on the train. The tykes can come in four popular ethnic flavors: Caucasian, Asian, Latin and black, pulling on “classic” or slightly generic and stereotypical features to make that radical shift.

Every baby I made seemed to have Michael Jackson’s post-reconstruction anime nose. Black babies had dark skin and full lips. Asian babies had more narrow eyes.

As a biracial person, I found that selecting “Latin” came closest to reality -- and then I remembered that reality has little to do with this. Once “born,” each baby can alternate among the four listed ethnicities and get different eye colors and hair options. And you can name and save your little darling for later. You can share the blessed news and picture of your iBaby via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter or Flickr.

For giggles, I uploaded photos of Jay Leno (sorry, Mavis), President Obama (sorry, Michelle) and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (I’m so not sorry). The Leno and Obama babies looked exactly the same. I’m rather fond of the little pebble I created with the Rock, even if it did have a Talky Tina vibe.

I swear the kid said, “I’m ugly like my daddy” after puking. (No, its head didn’t spin -- yet.) The creature also said, “I’m beautiful like my mama” and then declared it had a “poopy,” complete with sound effect.

I also “made a baby” with my guy, an unwise move because the resulting “baby” scared my ovaries into a witness protection program.

Bottom line: This app could put you off reproducing. Ladies, your ovaries might run for cover after looking at your projected offspring. If that’s what I’m likely to produce, I will stop trying -- now.

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michelle.maltais@latimes.com