Talk to parents who enable lazy son

Dear Amy: I recently visited my parents and my 27-year-old brother, who is living with them. He earned a dual degree in business and marketing in May and has been unemployed ever since.

I asked him how he pays his bills with no job, and he told me “the magic bill-paying fairies” take care of it. Not only have my parents been paying his bills, but they also make excuses for why he doesn’t have a job. They do not understand that they are stunting his growth by eclipsing his responsibilities.

This is not new behavior for them. They have always made special excuses for why it is OK for my brother to fail. He’s perfectly capable. He’s just lazy and would rather play video games and get high than apply himself.

I believe my parents are enabling his failure by sanctioning his excuses and continuing to pay his bills.

They handed me my bills at age 21. I got a job I hated, then went on to do great things motivated by the fact that I didn’t want to live paycheck to paycheck.

I feel as if he should be given his bills, so that he can experience what it’s like and, in essence, grow up.

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Helping is when you do something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. Enabling is when you do something for someone that they can do for themselves.

Your parents are firmly in the enabler category. They are probably turning themselves inside out to “assist” your brother, so he can sit on the couch, play video games, get high and insult them by referring to them as “the bill-paying fairies.”

You might start your conversation by quoting your brother’s insult. Unfortunately, even after learning that they are contributing to your brother’s problems, your folks may still find it impossible to break the cycle by behaving differently.

And that’s when you will have to face your own tough realization: You can’t “fix” your parents, just as they can’t “fix” your brother.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.