Celebrity solutions
Pressing problem #1: Terrorism
Celebrity Solution: Put “all the mean people” in a special terrorist country
Tara Reid is one helluva prognosticator. In fact, we wonder why she has never been a talking head on CNN. (Open note to CNN: Sign this gal up!)
After the London terrorist subway bombings, she came up with a sage idea on how to prevent further terrorism: “I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we’d have no terrorists left. Like, don’t kill innocent people for no reason. It’s not fair. We love everybody. We’d even like them if they said they’re sorry. It’s not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad.” (Paul Buck / EPA)
World Problem #2: The high crime rate
Celebrity Solution: Nudity on television
Why listen to endless debates about the pros and cons of gun control? The issue, apparently, isn’t about bearing arms, but baring arms...and breasts...and everything else.
Or, to put it more succinctly as rapper and erstwhile social reformer Nelly sums it up: “I could turn on just about any television channel in Europe and see full nudity. And their crime rate is a lot lower than ours. Go figure.” (Scott Gries / Getty Images)
World Problem #3: The environment
Celebrity Solution: Educate yourself
Yes, this sounds a little simplistic, but as any celebrity could tell you, it’s vital to keep up with studies about pollution, the greenhouse effect, global warming, etc. It’s not enough to just drive a Prius. Instead, we should all take a page from actress Kate Bosworth’s book and be students of environmental issues. Know the facts! Learn everything you can! This will enable you to make the right choices to protect Mother Earth.
Just listen to her commentary: “There was just a study done actually, I saw it on Regis and Kelly, I can’t remember how many hours a year a person uses being in their car in L.A., but it’s, like, a lot of time.” (Carlos Chavez / LAT)
World Problem #4: War
Celebrity Solution: Football
More specifically, the Super Bowl. Even more specifically, participating in the half time show at the Super Bowl. Michael Jackson knows how to spread world peace, all right.
In the singers own words: I can’t think of a better way to spread the message of world peace than by working with the NFL and being part of Super Bowl XXVII. (Shepler, Lori / LAT)
World Problem #5: Racism
Celebrity Solution: Modeling
Martin Luther King Jr. may have stirred millions with his courageous eloquence, but Naomi Campbell is making her own contribution to civil rights for African Americans.
The high-priced supermodel, who takes home at least several millions a year, and was recently estimated to be worth about $30 million, models for fashion magazines not for herself, but for others. (Naturally, she keeps the money and the perks -- it is the modeling itself which is her contribution.)
As she explains, I look at (modeling) as something I’m doing for black people in general. (Mark Mainz / Getty Images for IMG)
World problem #6: Nuclear waste disposal
Celebrity Solution: Kabbalah water
Okay, yes, it was Madonna who came up with this solution. (How did you guess?) Concerned about the possibility of an ecological disaster due to too much nuclear waste, she and hubby Guy “Yes, I am a Director, Not Just Her Husband” Ritchie began lobbying the British government and nuclear industry to let them know they had the perfect answer: Kabbalah water, a “mystical” liquid that helps do pretty much anything and everything...including, clearly, defanging nuclear waste.
And they had proof! Well, “claims” .... that the magic fluid already has worked on Russian nuclear waste.
Sadly, scientists and government officials aren’t as prescient as Madge and remain naysayers. Said one, “It was like a crank call ... the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically.” (Matt Dunham / AP)
World problem #7: Too much negativity
Celebrity Solution: Positivity!
One final problem and solution and this one is of a more general nature. We are speaking of the relentless negativity that pervades this world. How can we rid our planet of this negative energy? How can we turn from the dark to the light?
Kate Bosworth knows, and it’s really all just so simple, we’re shocked no one has thought of it before: “If you, like, have everybody taking ten minutes a day and really focusing on, like, positivity and a better world and a better self, like, imagine all that, just all that positivity going out there?” (Adam Rountree / AP)
