We watched so you don’t have to: Ten AMA ‘highlights’

If you’re like millions of wise Americans, you skipped the American Music Awards on Sunday. The most dumbfounding awards show on network television, each year the AMAs celebrate top-selling artists with sharpened, weapon-like trophies and a roster of talent that on Sunday spilled from the stage.

It was even hosted by Jennifer Lopez in her many form-fitting outfits, but still you didn’t watch. Didn’t even bother to record. 

Good on you. But millions of people care about this thing, so you may be asked over the next few days for your reaction to certain events that transpired. 

Whatever you do, don’t watch the whole thing. You have better things to do this week.

As a service, below are 10 ready-made opinions you can safely use if your kids, students, creepy middle-aged neighbors or colleagues start talking about Sunday’s show.

Prince carried his guitar like it was a handbag

Perennial king of cool Prince presented the first award of the night with typically casual awesomeness. As usual, his style was spot-on: golden threads, a major afro and shades with a third-eye lens on his forehead. His best accessory? An electric guitar, which he didn’t play but wore like an over-the-shoulder handbag. You know, just in case inspiration struck. What a tease.

Wait, isn't that Five Seconds of Summer song a cover?

Aussie boy-punk band Five Seconds of Summer’s performance of "Hey Everybody" would make for good water-cooler banter with your Generation Xer boss. “First, no wonder commercial rock is dead. Second, didn’t that song sound exactly like Duran Duran’s ‘Hungry Like the Wolf’? Like, actionably so?” (Factoid: in fact, yes, Duran Duran got a writing credit on the song. But that doesn't make it right.)

Celine Dion is the world's greatest gesticulator.

Celine Dion was terrific! Her ode to Paris via Edith Piaf's "Hymne a L'Amour" near the end of the show was devastatingly beautiful! The emotion of her delivery was equaled only by her graceful, nuanced gesticulating. The rendition brought many in the crowd to tears, and rightfully so.

Walk the Moon were the worst.

When history is written, Walk the Moon’s performance of “Shut Up and Dance” will be cited as a low point of pop music in 2015, so in one sense theirs was a momentous occasion. Who'll remember Coldplay's typically beige performance? Still, that so many hitmakers in the audience were miming every lyric to "Shut Up and Dance" was disconcerting on any number of levels.

If your kid asks, Anna Kendrick's joke about a three-way is about a conference call.

Anna Kendrick sure is funny and charismatic. When she and her “Pitch Perfect 2” costars accepted the award for best soundtrack (beating “Fifty Shades of Grey” and “Empire”), Kendrick took to the microphone to speak for the group.

If cornered in the kitchen, note Kendrick's acceptance speech, in which she thanked a random list of people after acknowledging that she hadn’t prepared to be at the podium. “We just showed up,” she said, reading from a list. Those thanked included one behind-the-scenes trio of whom she said, “Working with you only made me want to kill myself three times.” She described them as “a ruthless little group of sociopaths, and I admire that about you.” Kendrick read two other names and said, “Are we going to have this three-way, or — just DM me.” She said someone else owed her $37, and that another person’s accent was fake. She thanked a colleague “for not telling anyone about that hooker we buried."

Sam Hunt is cooler than Luke Bryan

Luke Bryan seems like a nice guy but Sam Hunt, who won for best new artist, seems nicer and is more charismatic overall. During his acceptance speech, Hunt described his rise in Nashville this way: “We kind of threw our keys over the fence and never looked back.”.

Pentatonix performed in a four-minute informercial for ABC's parent company.

It was an impressive cross-platform maneuver -- and a performance you have to watch to believe. Vocal group Pentatonix delivered a tribute to "Star Wars," which was as silly as it sounds. In 2050 this will blow up on the Internet as confirmation of how cheesy the '10s were. But if you work in marketing, today's your day to use the word "synergy" at the afternoon meeting: The AMAs were broadcast on ABC, whose parent company, Disney, also owns the "Star Wars" franchise.

Ariana Grande may hate America, but she loves her grandma.

One of the most eagerly anticipated performances was by budding superstar and self-professed America hater Ariana Grande. If anyone asks whether you saw her perform, say something like, “Brass! Hip hop breaks! White-tuxedoed dancers! Vocal chops! What a talent!” Bonus points: her impersonation of her New York-accented grandma seemed spot-on.

Macklemore debuted a new song about prescription drug addiction

Why do people take drugs? Why are pharmaceutical companies not considered drug dealers too? How do we fix this mess? These are the questions that rapper Macklemore posed in his new song with Ryan Lewis, "Kevin." Eminem's "Stan," anyone?

    Justin Bieber is back. Deal with it.

Bieber continued his campaign of contrition Sunday with a medley of current hits. If your daughter wants to talk about his performance, say something like: “First, I don’t understand how he didn’t get electrocuted. Second: That rain part was a rip-off of the show currently running at LACMA called “Rain Room.” Also you can note that both Bieber and his ex-girlfriend, Selena Gomez, performed songs about heartache. She cussed a lot in hers. Gwen Stefani, who just split with her rock star husband but is now dating Blake Shelton, did a sad song too. Meghan Trainor performed in a raincoat.

randall.roberts@latimes.com

Follow me on Twitter: @liledit

MORE:

Photos: Show highlights from the American Music Awards

AMAs video: Jared Leto offers powerful tribute to Paris while introducing Celine Dion

Complete list of AMA winners