War makes the world go ‘round

WHAT attracts world leaders to war is its simplicity.

You don’t need a university degree to declare war, or an IQ over 74 to actually engage in one. You just kind of close your eyes and close your mind and start swinging. You don’t even have to know how to read or write.

Happily, there’s also no need for a valid reason to get the bombs falling. Truth isn’t a factor. Wars have existed for the most uncomplicated of triggers: stepping on a toe, stepping over a border, stepping on a holy icon, stepping on a dream.

Contrary to Mel Gibson’s drunken assertion, Jews don’t start all wars. Anyone can play. It was a lot of God-fearing Christians who kicked off the one we’re currently in, promising to make the world safe and ending up with a world crouched in fear.

Although getting out of a war isn’t so easy, getting into one is a snap.

To illustrate, I have devised an explanation so simple that with the proper cartoons, it could be in a children’s book.

Imagine, if you will, contending world leaders so pumped up with power that, after a lot of swaggering and name-calling, it becomes a matter of:

They hit us.

So we hit them.

They strike with an open hand.

We respond with a clenched fist.

They hit us until we cry.

We hit them until they scream.

They hit us until we hurt.

We hit them until they bleed.

They claim they’re the good guys.

We claim we’re the good guys.

We say they’re terrorists.

They say they’re patriots.

We intensify the fighting.

They intensify the fighting.

We want a cease-fire.

They want a cease-fire.

They stop fighting.

We stop fighting.

Our cannons go silent.

Their cannons go silent.

They keep us in their gun sights.

We keep them in our gun sights.

We have picnics and enjoy life.

They have picnics and enjoy life.

They laugh in the rain.

We laugh in the rain.

But we’re not happy.

And they’re not happy.

Pressure increases here to fight and win.

Pressure increases there to fight and win.

And then ...

A bomb blows up here.

A bomb blows up there.

They blame us.

We blame them.

They hit us.

We hit them.

They kill hundreds.

We kill thousands.

They torture us.

We torture them.

They kill civilians.

We kill civilians.

We die in agony.

They die in agony.

We pray to God for help.

They pray to God for help.

God ignores us.

God ignores them.

Our children die in flames.

Their children die in flames.

We’re not going to quit until we win.

They’re not going to quit until they win.

We escalate the war.

They escalate the war.

The U.N. condemns them.

The U.N. condemns us.

They claim they’re right.

We claim we’re right.

They fire nuclear missiles.

We fire nuclear missiles.

They develop a defense.

We develop a defense.

They breach our defense.

We breach their defense.

They annihilate our armies.

We annihilate their armies.

They destroy our nation.

We destroy their nation.

We win the war.

They win the war.

We lose the war.

They lose the war.

We live in caves.

They live in caves.

Radiation kills us.

Radiation kills them.

One man survives for us.

One man survives for them.

He doesn’t like our man.

Our man doesn’t like him.

He invades our man’s cave.

We invade their man’s cave.

He steals our food.

We steal his food.

He shakes a club at us.

We shake a bigger club at him.

He roars with rage.

We roar with rage.

He hits us.

We hit him....

Al Martinez’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He can be reached at al.martinez@latimes.com.