Saying ‘I Won’t ‘ to High Cost of ‘I Do’

Seiji and Nahoko Hashimoto talk excitedly about their lives together, their plans for the future and the day they tied the knot. They explain how their wedding day was particularly auspicious because when represented in numbers, 11-22 in Japanese can also be pronounced to mean “good husband and wife.”

On that Nov. 22, the Hashimotos registered at a local government office and the marriage was official. There was no religious ceremony, no grand reception, no honeymoon and none of the other costly customs that were considered de rigueur in Japan a decade ago.

“We never felt a ceremony or honeymoon was necessary. Our priority was to get the things that we needed to start living together,” said Seiji Hashimoto, a 35-year-old Tokyo office worker. “Just because everyone does things a certain way is no reason to do it if you don’t want to. I don’t exactly object to the old ways, but I would hate to marry in the traditional way if I felt forced to do it.”

More and more couples are keeping the formalities to a minimum, avoiding the costly traditional Japanese wedding and using the money to better enjoy married life. Such attitudes represent a major shift in Japan, where for decades a big wedding reaffirmed status as well as supporting a range of industries.

A government survey showed that the average Japanese couple spent $23,900 on their wedding in 2002 -- about $1,900 less than in 1996.

For decades, weddings were marked by conspicuous consumption, and could cost more than $40,000. A grand hotel or wedding hall would often be rented, and guests would receive expensive presents. Even some Japanese express amazement at the tradition of the bride changing into four gorgeous outfits (two types of kimono and two Western dresses) during the reception.

In many rural areas, such weddings are still the norm. In the Hokuriku region, the average wedding still costs $39,000, or $66,000 if all the incidentals such as rings, honeymoons and furniture for the couple’s new life are included. That kind of money goes a long way toward supporting the hotels, florists, printers and hairdressers who cater to the wedding parties.

Also working against those industries is Japan’s changing population. In 2002, there were 755,000 weddings, but experts predict the number will drop to 600,000 by 2010 because of Japan’s falling birthrate.

In the big cities, change has been dramatic as businesses have adapted to a weaker economy and changing cultural tastes. In Kyoto and Osaka, the Chapel Green Bell company was among the first to offer discount weddings, from as little as $470 for a simple service. It serves about 3,000 couples a year.

“People in their 20s and 30s cannot afford a wedding costing $30,000, and they have to do things at a lower price,” said Kumio Kamada, Chapel Green Bell’s president.

With the Japanese economy in a 12-year slump, it is no surprise that people are reining in spending. Yet surveys show that Japanese couples are more concerned about having a wedding they are comfortable with and that their guests can enjoy.

At Japanese weddings, it is traditional for guests to bring a cash gift of three 10,000 yen notes -- about $275. The gift is meant to symbolize the couple’s union, since three notes cannot be split equally between two people.

It is common to hear Japanese in their 20s and 30s complaining of kotobuki bimbo, or poverty from too many weddings. The cost is felt all the more keenly if the wedding is dull. Many couples now put effort into arranging to have gospel singers or a jazz band to give their guests a day to remember.

Brides have dropped the custom of changing outfits throughout the day, opting for a single Western-style wedding dress.

“The main reason is a love of foreign culture. Women want to wear dresses like princesses, like Snow White and Cinderella,” said Minako Kume, a wedding expert and writer for the website All About Japan. “Women today don’t like to wear kimono. Putting them on is difficult and the wigs are heavy and old-fashioned.”

Japanese are also keeping their weddings smaller.

Weddings with 50 or fewer guests are up by more than 50% in six years, while the number of couples inviting 100 to 150 guests has fallen by 35%. A lot of those disappearing guests appear to be company bosses, who in the past were customarily invited to make speeches that were, by common agreement, stultifying. In some cases, the bosses were themselves not that keen to attend the weddings of juniors they often hardly knew.

More couples are escaping unwelcome traditions by marrying overseas, typically in Hawaii or Australia. Shigezo and Yoko Hirayama say the No. 1 reason they married in Hawaii in 2002 was to avoid inconveniencing far-flung relatives -- and themselves.

“If we had the wedding in Tokyo, my dad’s family would have to come all the way from one end of the country and my mom’s family from the other. In Japan, obligation is a big thing. We would have to invite cousins we haven’t seen in 10 years, and they would have to pay to come,” Shigezo Hirayama, 31, said. “By going to Hawaii, we could just keep it to immediate family.”

Hidetaka Takemoto, editor of Zexy, a widely read wedding magazine, said the talk of “plain weddings” is exaggerated.

“It’s a term that a lot of people use before they marry because they are worried about money,” he says. “But in the event, they spend a lot more than planned, often at the urging of the bride’s mother. What our research shows is that people don’t regret it after they have spent the extra money.”

Hisako Ueno of The Times’ Tokyo Bureau contributed to this report.