Executive perks

IN a supply-side economy, rich people are our most precious resource. We may savor the spectacle of the Fed’s smack-down of Duke Cunningham or Casino Jack Abramoff, but have we really thought it through? What about the army of chefs, nannies, gardeners and fedora makers displaced when one of

the wealthy falls? After all, you can’t very well keep your job pumping gas at a marina unless somebody owns a Duke Stir.

No, in these troubled times, we cannot afford to squander even one fat cat. And that is why I’m happy to recognize the redesigned 2007 Mercedes-Benz S-class sedan, 2 tons and six figures of executive compensation that with its phalanx of advanced safety systems essentially throws a full-body condom over its affluent occupants.

Here are but two examples. In vehicles equipped with the drive-dynamic seats (the bolsters adjust pneumatically to compensate for cornering forces), if the computers detect the warning signs of an accident, the seats automatically move into crash position and instantly swell up like nothing so much as French-stitched hemorrhoids, holding occupants tight in his or her seat. Comfy?

In cars with the optional dynamic cruise-control system (Distronic Plus), twin radar beams sweep the area in front of the car and, if the driver fails to recognize dangerous closing speeds, the system sounds an alarm while pre-pressurizing the brakes (many rear-end accidents, it turns out, are caused by drivers’ failure to apply brakes forcefully enough). According to Mercedes’ field tests, this radar-enhanced brake system reduces rear collisions by 75% in heavy traffic conditions.

In addition to mitigating soon-to-be fender-benders, Distronic Plus also maintains a pre-set following distance in traffic, speeding up and braking, as required. This means you can set it (at speeds between 20 and 120 mph) and it will handle the stop-and-go duties as the car follows along in traffic. I drove on the Santa Monica Freeway from downtown Los Angeles to the 405 and never touched the pedals. This system, says Mercedes, is not a substitute for freeway footwork, only a driving aid. And yet it offers a convincing autopilot experience. Eerie too. It reminded me of an episode of “My Mother the Car.”

Future shock, anyone? The new S-class -- armed with radar beams and infrared beam emitters, cameras and sensors and computers galore -- can see in the dark, can anticipate and react to accidents before they happen, brace for impact, alert the authorities, and generally compensate for error-prone and distracted wetware behind the wheel. It is a machine organism, a biomorphic helpmate, perhaps even a master.

A couple of big ideas are in play here. The first has to do with the ever-escalating, month-after-year overlay of electronic amenities: satellite radio; Bluetooth phones; voice-activated, dim sum-seeking navigation; and the 1,001 possible adjustments to the vehicle itself, from ambient interior lighting to the turgor of your seat bolster.

Like other manufacturers -- notably Japanese marques such as Lexus, Acura and Infiniti -- Mercedes is attempting to provide these additional services and, at the same time, compensate for the ever-more-distracted cockpit environment with a network of enhanced sensing and collision-avoidance technologies.

Thus the S-class’ incongruous pairing of the pre-emptive braking technology and its redesigned “Comand” system, based on a push-and-turn rotary controller, a la BMW’s infamous iDrive -- a technology that would absolutely seem to promote rear-end collisions.

Mercedes will argue that its system is easier to use, and with some cause. Many of the functions -- such as the workings of the climate system -- can be accessed through buttons and switches outside the Comand dial, and Comand’s architecture is fairly intuitive. But it still requires more than usual patience to learn and many hours of furtive and fruitless dialing, as if you’re trying to tune in Jesus on a big radio.

What Mercedes is desperately seeking is distinctiveness. When it comes to premium luxury sedans -- five-passenger, eight-cylinder, five-figure saloon cars, what the Spanish Armada called flagships -- there is a daunting similarity in the market. The least expensive of these cars -- say, the Jaguar XJ or the Lexus LS430 -- are spectacular: sports-car-fast, technologically gilded, velvet-wheeled locomotives. If I had to choose between an Audi A8L, a BMW 7-series and the new Mercedes S-class, I might resort to flipping a three-sided coin.

In a quest for what marketeers call “key differentiators,” Mercedes has come back to its traditional safety message -- this, after years of pushing an image of blingy automotive materialism. Jerk-bait, if you like. I find this an altogether wholesome change of tenor.

And so the briefing materials for the S-class extol in heroic terms the workings of the Pre-Safe regime (Mercedes’ term), which uses the precious ticks before an accident to roll up the windows, close the sunroof, charge the brakes, adjust the seats, swell the bolsters.

Then there’s Perform-Safe, the conventional accident-avoidance hardware such as anti-lock brakes, stability control, traction control and brake-force distribution; and Passive-Safe, the adaptive restraint systems, belts and air bags. There’s even Post-Safe. Attentive rescue workers will find discreet “cut here” marks on the roof pillars to avoid air bag components. That’s thinking of everything.

Among the more peculiar safety options is the infrared Night View Assist, which shoots infrared beams out of the headlamp assemblies to be reflected back and captured by a windshield-mounted camera. These ghostly gray-scale, high-resolution images are displayed on an 8-inch screen superimposed on the instrument cluster.

According to Mercedes’ safety engineers, the screen should be used intermittently, checked at a glance much like you would check your rear-view or side mirrors. I’m not persuaded that this isn’t simply more cognitive clutter. However, it is cool when you see pedestrians in the system. It’s like looking into their souls.

Once I reached the cozened precincts of Santa Monica, I noticed that the new S-class got a lot of attention -- not tongue-wagging desire, exactly, more like anticipation, as if the car were a taste that had to be acquired. The new car is almost 2 inches longer and an inch wider than before, over a wheelbase stretched 3 inches. This extra keel provides increased rear legroom, which is very like a limo. Power reclining rear seats are optional.

The ninth generation of the S-class is not, strictly speaking, a beautiful car. It’s big and handsome, thick with Teutonic propriety, bright with chrome tracery and properly grand, with a wind-sleek skin of glass and steel (drag coefficient of 0.27) so elegantly enameled as to look like cloisonne. And then there are the oddly prominent, compass-cut fender flares. These look like the work of a drunken child.

The S-class’ interior styling is immaculate and beautiful. If Steinway made corporate aircraft, this is what the cabin would look like. A sweep of figured walnut surrounds the stitched-hide interior -- no plastic fascia -- and, at night, indirect light glows from beneath the finishes. Even the twin display screens in the instrument panel seem dignified, the work of some Paris design school.

The seats are fantastic, though the drive-dynamic seats took a little getting used to: Every time I rounded a corner, a side bolster would nudge me in the ribs -- “Tell me, does your wife like photography? Eh, eh, say no more, gov’nor, say no more!”

Whatever faults the integrated Comand system has, it does free up a lot of real estate in the dash. A lovely Baum and Mercier-style square clock sits in the center of the dash above an elegant rank of toggle switches. Also, the car offers a small leather palm rest for the right hand -- a tacit acknowledgment, I think, of the possibility of repetitive motion? The palm rest’s flip top conceals the telephone keypad.

As for performance, the S-class is exactly what you’d expect -- stirring and unequivocal, serenely potent and willing. Under the hood is a new 5.5-liter, all-alloy V8 with dual overhead cams and variable valve timing on both intake and exhaust valves, as well as dual-stage intake manifold. Its 382 horsepower and 391 pound-feet of torque twist the gears of a new -- count-em -- seven-speed automatic transmission (all-wheel drive is optional). The crowded ratios give the car seamless passing power from any rpm. Zero-to-60 mph flows by in 5.7 seconds in what is merely a prelude to a massive, momentum-filled rush to the electronically limited 130 mph top speed. Like the BMW 7-series it has an irresistible, hydraulic urge. Very nice indeed.

It’s another gorgeous German V8 luxury limo, with its cloud-like air suspensions, big tires, massive brakes, perfect steering -- a great walloping overload of effortless performance and pleasure, an endless source of sweet machine satisfaction, more car than you would ever need, a sheer, decadent surfeit.

It’s more than a good car. It’s maybe even a great car. At the very least, it’s a safe bet.

Automotive critic Dan Neil can be reached at dan.neil@latimes.com.

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(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX)

2007 Mercedes-Benz S550

Base price: $86,175, including $775 destination

Price, as tested: $102,000 (est.)

Powertrain: 5.5-liter, DOHC, 32-valve V8 with variable intake and exhaust valve timing and dual-stage intake manifold; seven-speed adaptive-automatic transmission with manual-shift mode; rear-wheel drive (all-wheel drive optional).

Horsepower: 382 at 6,000 rpm

Torque: 391 pound-feet at 2,800-4,000 rpm

Curb weight: 4,270 pounds

0-60 mph: 5.7 seconds

Wheelbase: 124.5 inches

Overall length: 205.0 inches

EPA fuel economy: 16 miles per gallon city, 24 highway

Final thoughts: Safe, sex