Coke vs. tap water: The smackdown
Let’s face it: Fruit is a pain. It perishes and then those pesky little flies come around. So untidy. And what kid wouldn’t prefer Mountain Dew to honeydew melon? Plus, the profit margins on Coke dwarf those of cantaloupe. Just ignore the nervous ninnies who natter on that for each additional 12-oz. soda that children drink every day, their risk of obesity increases by 60%. It’s time to shoot the fruit, folks!
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10 tips for a better life from The Times’ Op-Ed pages in 2013 (Lunia Blue / For The Times)
You know the type. The worry-wart mom who flaps her yap that her kids should order water instead of soda. She yammers on that she’s worried about her children’s health and weight. Sure, one-third of children today are projected to have diabetes, and soda is a leading culprit. And 1 in 3 American kids and teens are overweight. But jeez, Mom, lighten up! With Zap the Yap, restaurant servers shoot an undetectable stun gun laser at Mom’s mouth while the kids are ordering. When Mom’s yap is zapped, the kiddos can fill up on high fructose!
ALSO:
10 tips for a better life from The Times’ Op-Ed pages in 2013 (Lunia Blue / For The Times)
Even one former president didn’t want to eat his broccoli. It’s downright patriotic to hate vegetables. And who needs boring root vegetables when a root beer is more fun and frosty? Just say no to carrots and yes to caffeine and carbonation.
Together, we can put an end to drinking water and eating healthy. Sure, Mexico just passed a peso-per-liter soda tax, but who cares about them, right? They still use the metric system. And yeah, the American Beverage Assn. -- your D.C. lobbying arm -- is an official sponsor of First Lady Michelle Obama’s “Drink Up” campaign to spur Americans to drink more water. But we all know the truth: Happiness comes in a can.
ALSO:
10 tips for a better life from The Times’ Op-Ed pages in 2013 (Lunia Blue / For The Times)