Emmys fashion: What did we learn, kids?

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My expectations of award-show fashion are always oversized and unrealistic. Reminds me a bit of my hopes for New Year’s Eve parties, in fact. I long for the days when Cher showed up to the Academy Awards in a 50-pound Bob Mackie feathered headdress or Julie Christie wore a gold lamé pantsuit and looked ready to mate with an Oscar.

These days, the talent play it as safe as pediatricians. They have turned fashion into a precise science and clearly, the HMO model applies. Most actresses wore red, like Ali Larter, Sally Field, Kate Walsh, Felicity Huffman, and Mary Louise-Parker. Others opted for some variation on silver. (The few who deviated -- like Minnie Driver in butter yellow and America Ferrera in royal blue --deserve awards for straying from the crowd.)

What I wonder is how all of these stylists know that every other actress is wearing a certain shade? Do they call each other to compare notes before the show? I am going to find out and report back. In the meantime, here’s my take on the trends that worked:

Updos add years: Ironically, it was the more mature actresses who opted for hair right out of the Age of Aquarius. Marcia Cross, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Kyra Sedgwick were just a few of the women who wore their manes loose and long. The effect was sexy and youthful. Meanwhile, young guns like Hayden Panettiere, Katherine Heigl and Jenna Fischer chose to wrestle their locks into submission and the effect was rather dowdy.

Cuffs slim wrists: Necklaces were a no-no last night. Most actresses instead wore cuffs. The massive bracelets do shave a few pounds off the arm, as they create a Gulliver-like illusion. How about someone invents a thigh cuff?

Color steals glances: There is really no call for black on the red carpet. It’s safe, staid and doesn’t compliment the complexion. A few actresses opted for black, like Tina Fey. I adore Fey almost as much as Pinot Noir and would have loved to have seen her in a deep shade like moss. Black may be slimming, as they say. Maybe it’s because people slide their attention to the next woman, who’s wearing blue.