#1 reason to have kids: More candy

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Being childless on Halloween sucks. Sure, I can go out to a party dressed like a slutty DMV lady and drink red beer, but...Well, I can always dress like a loose civil servant and I can drink anytime I want.

If I had a little one, I could accompany my tot from house to house -- we would drive from West Hollywood to a rich suburb like Pasadena -- and collect enough Junior Mints and Mars bars to last through a dozen sugar benders.

I love candy more than sunsets and nature and most of my relatives. I am not alone. Americans eat about 26 pounds of candy every year. I eat about twice that, no doubt.

Maybe that’s why I am not dressing up as a slutty microbiologist this year. The lab coat is too tight, alas. Instead, I am going to dress up as a pregnant criminal lawyer and eat a few pounds of candy.

Happy Halloween!