Ask Alana: Answers to your holiday etiquette questions

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This week: How to split the cost of group gifts, and what (not) to wear at a potentially awkward holiday dinner. And if you have a question for our etiquette maven, write to alana.semuels@latimes.com

Dear Alana,

I have a dilemma. My mom, dad and I went in on a gift for my sister. Is it good manners to split the bill by 3 or do I count my parents as one and split the bill in half?

-- Erica Willer, Ontario, Canada

Dear Erica,

Are you saying you are past the age where you and your parents go in ‘together” on a gift and then you conveniently forget to pay them back? Poor you. They had you, after all. If they didn’t want to leak money to their kids, they should have thought about that before getting pregnant.

Anyway, you’re clearly mature beyond your years, but even so, you shouldn’t have to pick up half the tab. Constance Hoffman, president of Redondo Beach-based Social & Business Graces, says that you and each of your parents are separate individuals, and thus should be able to split in three the costs for the blimp ride or snowshoes or large ham or whatever it was that you bought your sister.

Don’t feel bad bringing it up with your parents, Hoffman said; after all, your parents are individuals and you wouldn’t want to rob either of them of the ability to contribute to your sister’s gift. “Definitely talk about it,” she says. “Anything that you push under the rug continues to gather dust.” Except for a ham, of course. That gathers mold.

Of course, going in with your parents on a gift presents a separate quandary. Will you sister feel robbed of her right to tear the wrapping paper off multiple gifts Kwanzaa morning, as she is only getting one from all of you? Maybe the gift is something you could put in multiple boxes (like ham). Or maybe your sister doesn’t mind if she gets one box under the tree or seven, which means that she, like you, Erica, is also mature beyond her years.

-- Alana

Dear Alana,

I am spending Thanksgiving with people that haven’t sat in the same room in six years and Christmas with my lesbian girlfriend, her lesbian aunt and her lesbian grandmother(s). What do I wear?

-- Sarah Smith, New York

For the answer, keep reading...

Dear Sarah,

This is really two separate questions, as in fashion it is essential to dress for the occasion. Thanksgiving is the occasion for stuffing your face and then falling asleep feeling slightly bad about your weight, while Christmas is the occasion for opening gifts and then falling asleep feeling slightly bad about your new possessions.

For the first part, what to wear to the reunion Thanksgiving, I draw on my wealth of fashion industry quotations, one of which is: “Fashion is all about eventually becoming naked.” That applies on Thanksgiving as well, especially as you will likely eat so much trying to avoid the awkwardness during your reunion meal that it will be difficult to get out of your pants at the end of the day. I recommend a skirt with an elastic waistband and a cardigan sweater that you can conveniently pull across your belly to hide the bulge.

Los Angeles image and etiquette consultant Diana Olson says that while some families dress casually during the holidays, others dress up. “The family visitors would need to know whether the family that they are visiting is more formal or casual,” she says. Of course if your family members have not spoken in six years, some members might not have gotten the memo that this year, everyone is wearing ball gowns. Olson says a nice pair of slacks, a sweater and jacket should probably be safe. Or you can ask the hostess what she and her husband will be wearing. That doesn’t work if she doesn’t have one, or if she has a wife instead.

Which brings us to the next question about dinner with the lesbian family. Most etiquette experts tell me you should wear the same thing to Christmas you would wear if your girlfriend’s aunt and grandmothers weren’t lesbians. Which leads me to another fashion quote I found on the Interweb: “Above all, remember that the most important thing you can take anywhere is not a Gucci bag or French-cut jeans; it’s an open mind.”

Although you could also go with an “I see Lesbians” T-shirt, or, to get in grandmas’ good graces, maybe one that says “I’m with her.”

-- Alana