Opinion: Suitborne

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The makers of Airborne, the cold — sorry, it’s NOT a cold treatment, no matter what the label led you to believe — have agreed to pay $23 million to people who bought the rem — sorry, it’s NOT a remedy, no matter what you thought — since 2001, after the company was sued for false advertising. Actually, the company is offering to reimburse people who bought its product, so this is a pretty sweet settlement. It would be a strange customer who kept all the receipts for the stuff.

The bright yellow box showed passengers on an airplane who look frightened out of their wits because another passenger sneezed. The wording directed people to use this on airplanes and in theaters and classrooms. ‘Take at the first sign of a cold,’ it said. Which, unless you’re a label-lit major, might lead you to think the stuff could somehow ward off, shorten or ease the symptoms of colds.

A mix of vitamins and herbal stuff, Airborne never had real science to back up any such belief. It later changed its claim to a softer one that said it provided support for the immune system. ‘Immune support’ is a big thing these days, with just about every homeopathic or herbal remedy saying that’s what it does, unless it offers ‘joint support.’ But food also provides immune support, up to a point. Starvation is notably bad for the immune system. Maybe this is something for Pringles to put on its label, if those actually qualify as food. Sleep is also immune supportive. Or watching ‘House.’ Surely, vicious laughter eases the stress that’s so bad for the immune system. Exercise is good for immune support, but nobody can charge you a $17 to go for a walk.

It’s the old story of food supplements that for the past 15 years have been able to bypass the sort of normal processes that most remedies have to achieve. You know, like standard dosing. Herbal remedies are all over the map in terms of how much of the active ingredient they have. Even Pringles couldn’t get away with the kind of labeling herbals do. And it’s a little strange that people who will challenge a doctor over any prescription — as they should — will take medical advice from the kid making $15 an hour at the organic store on which tincture to use for ear infections.

This will inevitably lead to the people who say, ‘Well, it certainly works for me. I swear by it.’ That’s what any number of parents told me about over-the-counter cough and cold remedies for children. Except those aren’t really remedies either. Study after study has shown they’re no more effective than a placebo. It’s placebos that are something of a miracle medicine, good for almost everything that ails you.

That’s not to say herbals don’t work. It’s just that, in many cases, putting some sweetened red juice in a medicine dropper would work, too. But the pharmaceutical companies have to — to some extent, anyway — deal with the FDA on these issues. The herbal companies don’t.