‘Top Chef’: Wait, what did Andrew just say?

This article was originally on a blog post platform and may be missing photos, graphics or links. See About archive blog posts.

Ordinarily, I’d first let out a huge sigh of relief that Stephanie was not eliminated last night.

Instead, I’m still trying to figure out why the final moment of the show -- after next week’s preview had aired -- was a seconds-long snippet of Andrew telling the world “I have a culinary boner right now.”

Andrew’s my constant source of entertainment, but was that really necessary? I’m looking at you, Bravo. I know it aired at 10:59 p.m., but that was so random. And forced. And lame.

OK, on to the play-by play:

Enter Art Smith, Oprah’s personal chef, a health nut, and as we’re about to find out, a cheerful consumer of mass amounts of chicken.

Next, enter Uncle Ben’s 90-second rice packs. Cheftestants have 15 minutes to use the insta-rice to make a “fabulous entree.” Whole grain rice. Microwaves. Fifteen minutes. I’m thinking this can’t end well. (I should mention this is the worst of the product-placement ideas I’ve seen -- no one in that room would voluntarily reach for this insta-rice. Leave it for Rachael Ray to shill, I say).

But I’m wrong. Several impress and Art seems to like it all, save for poor Mark’s confusing Miso-glazed chicken-turkey. Richard pulls off another feat, making “steak and tomatoes” with rice. Dale produces pineapple fried rice. Antonia -- who I should say right now that I’m not a fan of -- makes rice salad. Not completely out of the ordinary -- I order the stuff all the time at Lala’s -- but it wins her immunity.

Now for the challenge, and it was a biggie. Make a meal for a family for four. Simple enough for a child to help create. Must be healthy and something a home cook can realistically achieve.

And do it all on a budget of $10.

Oh, and you gotta get your ingredients at Whole Foods? There is no way! I’m seeing lots of chicken and pasta in their future…

Score! Nearly all the cheftestants head for the poultry. Dale grabs turkey bratwurst. And I hear couscous, stir-fry pasta and pasta puttanesca coming up. Uh-oh, Stephanie not only looks tired during her on-camera interviews, she’s panicking during her shopping. This better be a red herring.

Whoa, whoa, what is this ripping up of produce?! What store would let you rip up bok choy leaves to shave your total bill down, Antonia? That’s just awful. (OK, Andrew also ripped up his fennel, but the fennel frawns he removed are not used in cooking applications 99% of the time.)

Back in the kitchen, they’re presented with kid helpers. Antonia, a single mom, weeps. Everyone seems equally excited to work the kids, and only one suffers a cut (on camera anyway).

Mark, why are you doing curry? Maybe in New Zealand kids eat veggie curry with cinnamon rice like Happy Meals, but this is America. And I like you! Why the self-sabotage? Richard, meanwhile, is hoping for a win with his beets and I’m sure he’ll get one. Beets are cool and purple and sweet. Everyone else seems to be doing fine with their chicken. Chef Tom Colicchio comes to check in and drops some culinary Colicchio humor on the kiddies. He winces when he sees one pounding out meat a wee too close to his fingers. And he says Stephanie is cooking something involving both tomato sauce and couscous. Now I’m worried…

Judgment time. The kids pronounce most dishes -- including Richard’s beets -- winners. The judges have a few quibbles though. Dale’s cabbage is a little acidic, but I think he’s safe. Art says Spike’s dish tastes like a whore made it. (Well, the Italian word “puttanesca” does translate to ‘made in the way a whore would make it’... I’ll be here all week, folks.) Mark’s curry gets him into trouble for being too sweet and not healthy enough. Stephanie didn’t cook her couscous properly. Yikes. And Lisa’s dish is bland. No surprise there.

Richard might be the most moved by the kid partners. “I wanna go home and make some babies,” he announces. “Some little Blaises.”

OK, laughing’s over. It’s on to the chopping block. Andrew, Nikki and Antonia look relieved when Padma tells them they’re the top three for the challenge. Which is funny because the first people called are always the winner, right? Antonia wins. I’m thinking there is always next week…

Bottom three: Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. I don’t like where this is going…

Stephanie’s combo of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice freaks Tom out. Art tells her she cooked her couscous wrong. Mark preempts his comments: “I think Tom doesn’t like me.” Tom tells him to make him some good food and he’ll be happy. Complaints about the lack of veggies and protein. Mark remains clueless. Lisa blabs forever about something I decide to tune out. Bottom line: Her dish was flavorless and undercooked.

If Stephanie goes I will not be happy. Behind the cheftestants backs, the judges say Lisa’s dish was bland and she doesn’t take criticism well, Mark’s was a mess and Stephanie’s was “mush on a plate.” Padma even used the word “detested.”

Oh. My. God. Stephanie is going home…

“Mark, please pack your knives and go.” Whew. That was too close for comfort. I’m so gullible like that.

At least Mark can take comfort that Tom does in fact like him and wants to get drunk and happy with him ASAP.

-- Denise Martin