‘Dancing With the Stars’ results: We have a winner!
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Maybe it was Adam Carolla’s last-ditch prayer to Michael Flatley that did it: After overcoming long odds, ups and downs, fever dreams, a sparkly leprechaun green jacket, a fumbled tango routine and a dip to the dark side, lifelong showman and avowed professional Donny Osmond beat out fellow competitors Mya and Kelly Osbourne to emerge as Season 9’s “Dancing With the Stars” champion. And true to his Mr. Congeniality roots, the star wasn’t content to hoard the coveted Mirrorball trophy and tell his sister -- the reason he came on as a competitor on this show in the first place -- to stick it where the sun don’t shine. No, a win for Donny was a win for everybody, and he magnanimously brought up his wife, his large family and his sister Marie out on to the dance floor with him to celebrate. What’s more, congratulations to Donny’s partner Kym Johnson as well! The pro has come so close to the ‘DWTS’ crown herself as the runner up with Season 4’s Joey Fatone and Season 7’s Warren Sapp, so it’s nice to see the always-lovely Australian make the third time in the finals the charm and finally nab that title. Not only that, but she’s become an honorary Osmond in the process. (What’s another Osmond when you’ve already got so many in the bunch?) Win and win!
Well, as one is awarded a sparkly disco ball and showered with confetti, there are two others who go home empty-handed. And this season, the less-than-coveted title of also-ran was handed deigned to Mya and Kelly Osbourne. There was no talk about close contests like there was last season between Gilles Marini and Season 8 champ Shawn Johnson, so one can only imagine that Donny had this competition in the bag and tied up with a nice, glittery little bow from the get-go. Mya clearly had the technical precision and the musicality; could that slight fumble with the freestyle cost her the trophy? Though Mya was the best dancer of the bunch and Kelly the resounding studio audience favorite (can’t remember how many times the crowd erupted into cheers of “Kelly! Kelly! Kelly!”), both accepted their second- and third-place finishes graciously.
Or maybe at that point they just wanted it to be over and done with. Because after 10 weeks of competition and innumerable dances, those two excruciatingly long hours of results filler seemed to stretch into a small eternity.
Man, there was a lot of filler. Whitney Houston started the night off singing the upbeat “Million Dollar Bill,” the first of two performances. Liked how Whitney, hot on the comeback trail, had b-boys break dancing all around her and was dressed in a “DWTS”-appropriate tight-fitting asymmetrical sparkly number. And at the end a million dollar bills came fluttering from the sky. They hadn’t crowned the winner yet and it was already a party! Also appreciated the scene right out of “Greatest Love of All,” where Whitney finished the number and walked stage right to give her mother Cissy aunt Dionne Warwick a big hug.
Houston sang again later on in the evening, this time aptly bringing out her hit “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” complete with requisite feet shuffles, while our familiar band of “DWTS” pros graced the stage.
And then there was Recap: The Extended Version. Ten weeks and 16 dancers’ worth, to be exact. Though I did appreciate how the producers tried to liven up this tedious yet apparently necessary part of the program with new dances and new approaches. Like how Jeffrey Ross eschewed the roast in favor of inducting first-to-be-eliminated Ashley Hamilton into the Losers’ Club instead. Though equally cringe-worthy was the pasty belly that Ross exposed at the end of his, Ashley and Edyta’s routine. “Get that man a spray tan!” cried Tom.
Thus began the procession of Season 9 also-rans. Macy Gray, Kathy Ireland and Debi Mazar danced with Jonathan Roberts, Tony Dovolani and Maksim Chmerkovskiy, respectively, to “Who’s That Lady,” and made it clear that Debi should not have been eliminated so early on in the competition. The Hammer, Tom DeLay, now presumably stress-fracture-free, donned jeans and a shiny Lone Star State belt buckle to do a booty shake in the round for his long-promised Texas Two-Step. Partner Cheryl Burke did her rootin’ tootin’ best to distract from the fact that he was merely ambling along for most of the routine by twisting and turning in circles around him.
Chuck Liddell and Mark Dacascos did their dance rendition of the House of the Flying Sambas, incorporating martial arts with their moves as they stepped and sparred with partners Anna Trebunskaya and Lacey Schwimmer and each other. Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo re-performed their sexy rumba to great effect, prompting Tom to ask if it was “too late to put them back in?” Ah, Natalie. One can only imagine how different a final it might have been had you not left us so early. Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas performed their previously unseen knockout dance, a salsa set to that “Cuban Pete” song from “The Mask.” Snowboarder and erstwhile hobbit Louie Vito reunited with Chelsie Hightower to perform to a version of “Puppy Love” sung by none other than Donny Osmond (is there anything that this guy doesn’t do? Did he also hand-sew all the costumes and provide the voices of the Muppets?). And then the couple quietly suffered through the indignity of having Samantha verbally vomit all over their romantic status.
Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff got the Muppets to perform again during their quickstep, which was notable for ‘Muppet Show’ box-seat crank Statler calling out ‘bravo’ to “the judge in the middle. He looks like me!”
Actually, the Muppets provided a nice high point during this program, from Animal’s drum solo at the beginning of Aaron and Karina’s routine to the Statler and Waldorf bit at the end. Not to mention the diva Miss Piggy, whom we first saw getting a massage from a shirtless Maks before commercial break, and who then hilariously took down Samantha Harris when the co-host dared accuse Madame Piggy of “hogging” the camera space. Um, maybe Miss Piggy can co-host sometime?
There was also the highly anticipated dance-off between NFL Hall of Famers Michael Irvin and Jerry Rice. Both were dressed in the same outfits (well, Michael’s was Dallas Cowboy blue, while Jerry’s was 49er red), both were accompanied by Annas (Demidova and Trebunskaya, respectively). And both danced the same routine, set, aptly, to ABC’s ‘Monday Night Football’ theme. Michael Irvin was rightly given the dancing edge, but Jerry was also given props for his finely chiseled football bod, and both were awarded inaugural Mirrorball rings. Which are totally awesome, and something that I pray to the lord of all things good and shiny will be available on ABC.com for purchase someday soon. Also awesome: the bronzed and bedazzled football that Michael and Jerry fought over at the routine’s end. To think, it was someone’s job to glue those rhinestones on to that pigskin.
Don’t forget the reenactment of the competition group mambo that had Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough vying against former contestants Cloris Leachman and Corky Ballas, Jerry Springer and Edyta Sliwinska, and Steve “the Woz” Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff. The Woz got to break out his pink feather boa and his trademark worm move, Cloris did her dance interpretation of rigor mortis, and Joanna finally achieved justice and had Derek bobbing up and down in that uncompromising crotch-dip position this time (though part of me is bummed that we didn’t get to see their futuristic paso again).
Season 6 contestant Adam Carolla reprised his role as dance coach, trying to get a imperturbable Donny Osmond -- the “last man standing” -- motivated to win one for the XY team. Liked how Adam presented a photo of Donny in his heinous ’80s paso doble outfit, and then had the contestant “hand over the guy-liner. Now the one in the boot.” Also that “the Mirrorball is going to Utah, where, ironically, dancing is illegal.” And finally, the prayer to the dancing god, aka Michael Flatley: “Dear merciful lord of the dance, who art in Capezios, bedazzled be thy vests…” Ha!
All three of the finalist duos had one last chance to impress the judges with a routine. And to my pleasant surprise, they were all dances that came on relatively early in the season: Kelly and Louis chose the Viennese Waltz from Week 1, Mya and Dmitry did their jive from Week 2, and Donny and Kym showed off their sultry tango (along with Kym’s great dress with the left side missing) from Week 5. And unlike last season, in which the judges scored each dance individually, there were actual first-, second- and third-place finishes assigned to each routine, with each couple receiving 30, 28 and 26 points, respectively. This time, the tables were a bit turned from last night, with Kelly getting third place, Mya receiving second and Donny, to his surprise, winning first.
Which ended up matching the season’s ultimate results, as Kelly was deemed third, Mya second, and Donny celebrated in a hail of confetti and an exuberant succession of “oh!s” as Season 9’s Mirrorball trophy winner. Which just goes to show that you shouldn’t underestimate the power of prayer. Even if it is to Michael Flatley.
What did you think of the results? Did the right star win? Which would you rather have: a Mirrorball trophy or a Mirrorball ring? Until next spring…