‘The Bachelorette’: Booze, boys and hot molten lava


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Monday on ‘The Bachelorette‘… Kasey shows Ali his tattoo! I’m so excited, but I’m so, so scared. My friend Alex suggests that he deserves his own drinking game -- a shot every time Kasey uses the words ‘protect’ and ‘guard’ -- but I don’t think I can assault my liver so violently.

Oh, look, a shot of Ali walking pensively by the shore. I’m so glad they flew to Iceland for this. They could never have gotten that shot in the United States.


There are going to be three Iceland dates: a solo, a group and a double. The double is the one everyone’s afraid of, because only one of those two guys gets a rose. Chris Harrison (who must be freezing in that outfit) says the boys have to compete for the solo date by writing a love poem -- and including an Icelandic word.

Noooo! Every time someone on ‘The Bachelor’ or ‘The Bachelorette’ busts out with a poem or a song, it’s so awkward that it’s painful to watch. Now they’re making everyone do it?

Kirk and Frank’s poems are the least painful. Craig’s good, too, because he’s too funny to be awkward, and Chris N. is … who is Chris N.? How did that guy get here?

Sweater shopping and sickness
Kirk wins the solo date ... and he and Ali go on a romantic trip to a sweater shop. Since all she’s ever done with him is make out all over the place, maybe a not-so-steamy setting is a good call.

It gives them a chance to talk about their history, and Kirk explains to Ali that his dating history is a little bit sparse because of a two-year battle with asbestos poisoning. It sounds really bad -- he genuinely had thought he was going to die! Poor Kirk. I like him even more now. I’m such a girl.

Cave dwellers
The group date goes to Roberto, Ty, Chris L., Chris N. (who?), Craig and Frank, leaving Kasey and Justin on the double date, which means that one of them is going home. I’m so happy, I hardly even care who she actually eliminates.

The cave date is really cool because it’s something Iceland-specific that they couldn’t have done hanging around in New York, but it’s still not my idea of a fun date. They ride funny-looking Icelandic horse-donkeys to a cave and then kind of rappel down into it to drink hot cocoa and, although it looks like a fun adventure that I wouldn’t mind having with a bunch of cute boys, nobody’s going to fall in love in a cave.

They might fall in love at the Blue Lagoon Hot Springs, which is their next stop. Ali is ready to party. She’s already in her bikini, and once the guys put on their bathing suits -- right out in the open, whoa, hello -- it takes her about two seconds to get completely, totally drunk.

She’s not a subtle drunk, either! She starts in with the baby talk and the giggling and the slurring. It’s hard to watch, but we’ve all been there. (OK, maybe not in a giant natural hot spring in Iceland with six men, but you know what I mean.)

As of right now, Chris L. is my favorite. He’s easygoing and funny, he doesn’t have any man-drama with the other guys, he’s not constantly angsting and staring out of windows, and unlike Frank, he doesn’t have a full-on panic attack whenever Ali slips out of his peripheral vision. (Though, I do still like Frank too.)

Ty gets the rose for helping everyone out with their horses. If you ask me, he kind of ruins it when he says, ‘I’m glad you noticed that.’ The correct response would be, ‘Oh, that? That wasn’t for your benefit at all! I am just naturally generous with my time and knowledgeable about horse-donkeys!’

Double date of doom
When the double date starts, I immediately get uncomfortable and don’t want to watch. This would be awkward with two normal guys, but she’s stuck in a helicopter with Rated R and a guy who probably steals locks of her hair to sniff.

Side note: I don’t believe Ali was EVER scared of flying. Ever. I think she made it up for Jake and had to keep it up for a little while. There’s a helicopter ride every single week, and she never breaks a sweat.

They go flying over the volcano, and -- I’m confused. Didn’t this volcano ground flights all over the world? Why do they get to fly right up in its business?

The volcano does look really cool and not at all like my sixth-grade science project. Baking soda and vinegar, you failed me.

After hanging out in a cool ice cave for a while, Ali gets some one-on-one time with Kreepy Kasey, and I start holding my breath for the inevitable. ‘All Kasey has to do on this date is be normal,’ talking-head Ali says. Good luck with that. Sure enough, he finally rolls up his sleeves and probably gets frostbite on that hideous protect-and-guard-your-heart tattoo. I really lose it when he starts describing the 11 studs in the shield that represent the eleven studs vying for her heart.

Ali, to her credit, does not run away screaming. She says, ‘Your mom is going to kill you’ and then gets ready to make her elimination.

She kicks Kasey to the curb, but honestly, she doesn’t look too happy about flying away with Rated R. I think she should have left them both alone on that volcano. (Yes, Kasey got left alone … on the volcano.) He takes it pretty well, though, in that he doesn’t hurl himself at her feet and cry.

Rose ceremony
I wish I had something interesting to say about this rose ceremony, but ... Chris N. went home. Who is Chris N., and how did he make it this far, and how come the only thing we know about him is that he likes Mexican food but feels guilty about it? Boring.

Next week looks awesome though, because it’s revealed that one of the contestants has a girlfriend, and Ali lays the smackdown. I think it’s Rated R. Who’s your vote?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and don’t forget to check back next week for more!

-- Carina MacKenzie


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