Opinion: Late-night’s best: Oprah, Obama, Osama, Oh, Biden!
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As The Ticket’s 63,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,600 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above.
Letterman: So Joe Biden slept through President Obama’s deficit speech. Give Biden a break. He’s completely exhausted from whatever the hell he does all day.
Leno: The FAA is taking steps to fire a Knoxville air traffic controller for sleeping five hours on duty. Taking steps? He was sleeping five hours on an eight-hour shift! What do you have to do to get fired from government?
Leno: President Obama has a plan to pay off our $14-trillion debt: He calls on all Americans to have more grandchildren to grow up and pay taxes.
Leno: The price of gas in Southern California is now close to five bucks a gallon. It’s so expensive today I passed a van packed with legal Americans.
Leno: Gas prices went up 20 cents just this week! Shouldn’t we stop calling it crude oil and just make it obscene oil?
Leno: A new poll says only 19% of Americans strongly approve of Obama. The other 81% do not own gas stations.
Leno: So relations are strained between the U.S. and Pakistan, which says it’s slowing down the hunt for Osama bin Laden. Really? 10 years now. How do you tell slower?
Conan: Hillary Clinton said the ousting of Ivory Coast President Laurent Gbagbo sends a message to other dictators. And the message is, “If we can’t pronounce your name, you’re toast.”
Letterman: The Obamas plan a little change in this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll. This year the kids will be looking for Obama’s birth certificate.
Conan: In a recent interview, President Obama said, “I miss being anonymous.’ He says,....
...“In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.” Fallon: A new survey says 55% of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45% have never been on a second date.
Letterman: So, the government is ending the space shuttle program. There are four left. They’re giving them away to members of Oprah’s audience.
Conan: A 30-second ad for the final episode of Oprah’s daytime TV show costs $1 million. So the only person who can afford to buy an ad on Oprah’s last show is Oprah.
Conan: In an interview, Donald Trump says the Koran teaches a “very negative vibe.” Then he accused the Torah of “totally harshing his buzz.”
Letterman: Good news: Donald Trump says when he’s president, he won’t let it interfere with running the Miss Universe Pageant.
Letterman: So Tiger Woods came in fourth at the Masters. Still a pretty good paycheck for his ex-wife.
Fallon: Some amazing medical news. Gamers are seeking refunds on Nintendo 3DS because of headaches and dizziness they say they suffered. Some gamers became so disoriented, they accidentally wandered outside!
Leno: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano wants to use Twitter to send terror warnings. Would you take a Tweet seriously: ‘OMG! TNT! OMG! TNT!’
Letterman: Tax time now. I was over there to see my accountant today, to bring all of my stuff, and I sit down and he says to me, ‘You weren’t tailed, were you?’ Then, we’re going over deductions, and he says, ‘Now, the sweet part about this deduction, Dave, it’s totally legit.’
Conan: Parents at a Virginia elementary school were angry because a plastic surgeon brought breast implants to the school’s Career Day. Now they’re even more upset because their kids now think getting a “D” is a good thing.
Late-night’s best: Obama’s campaign, Yogi Bear, Glenn Beck and Kelly Ripa’s waxing
Late-night’s best: Hillary Clinton, Harry Houdini and Kenya on Obama’s birth
Late-night’s best: Libya, Libya, Zuckerberg and Libya
Late-night’s best: Obama’s NCAA picks, life expectancy and Al Qaeda fashion
Late-night’s best: Arnold’s return, Trump’s trick and Michelle’s diet
Late-night’s best: Anne Taylor, Aretha and Kadafi’s hats
-- Andrew Malcolm
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, ‘Does he talk?’ The parrot says, ‘Not without a Teleprompter.’ Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We’re also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.