Opinion: Late-night’s best: Living like that, why didn’t Osama bin Laden just shoot himself?


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As The Ticket’s 63,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,700 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above. Normally, we publish these on Monday mornings. We didn’t make it this week.

Letterman: Well, did you enjoy the Osama bin Laden season finale?

Conan: Osama bin Laden’s death interrupted Sunday night’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ with Donald Trump. Which begs the question: How do we kill Bin Laden again next Sunday?


Letterman: In the Osama bin Laden raid, the SEALs sent his image to a satellite facial-recognition system that said there was a 99.9% chance it was Bin Laden. Still, there’s that .01% chance it was a ZZ Top guy.

Leno: President Obama says he won’t release the Bin Laden death photos. So I guess we’ll just have to wait for Donald Trump to force him to do that too.

Conan: The Obama White House has changed its mind and decided to release those Osama photos -- on a set of commemorative plates.

Conan: A bomb-sniffing German shepherd went with those SEALs to Bin Laden’s. The dog says the mission was OK, but he was really hoping Bin Laden had a cat.

Conan: Osama bin Laden had $740 sewn into his clothes. Experts say his next plan was either to launch a major attack or rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago.

Leno: Reports say Bin Laden lived in that compound with nine women and 23 children. I’m surprised that wasn’t a self-inflicted gunshot wound.


Fallon: Microsoft is bringing back Clippy, the cartoon paperclip that popped up in Word documents. He’s been hiding in an upscale Pakistan suburb.

Leno: Steve Jobs is furious over people saying his iPhone and iPads have secret tracking devices. Jobs says he knows who those people are and where they live.

Fallon: New York state passes a new law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. I’m no expert, but isn’t that pretty much what prison is?

Leno: Did you see the wind damage at the St. Louis airport? Wow! And the air traffic controllers slept through the whole thing.

Leno: The U.S. announces it’s sending its most powerful drones to Libya. But that seems like a long trip for Joe Biden.

Fallon: Libya’s Col. Kadafi is reported still in high spirits, although his compound was completely destroyed. Most people would be devastated. But here’s the thing -- he’s insane.

Fallon: Kate Middleton did her own makeup for the wedding. So except for the castle, the jewels, the limos, the mansions, the servants and the butlers, she’s just like us.

Fallon: Did you see the royal newlyweds kissing on the balcony? I was like, hey, guys, get a castle.

Letterman: At least Bin Laden lived to see the Royal Wedding.

Letterman: CBS has downgraded Katie Couric from perky to peppy. She’s stepping down as news anchor. Insiders tell me she was involved in dog fighting.

Fallon: Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primaries for 20-plus years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives.

Leno: For a while there a federal judge ended the NFL lockout, possibly clearing the way for the 2011 football season. Detroit Lions fans say they will appeal the decision.

Conan: Toyota officials have announced the company will start integrating Microsoft technology into its vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes.


Late-night’s best: Air Traffic controllers, NFL replacements and Donald Trump

Late-night’s best: Obama, Osama, Oprah, Oh Biden!

Late-night’s best: Obama’s campaign, Yogi Bear, Glenn Beck and Kelly Ripa’s waxing

Late-night’s best: Hillary Clinton, Harry Houdini and Kenya on Obama’s birth

Late-night’s best: Libya, Libya, Zuckerberg and Libya

Late-night’s best: Obama’s NCAA picks, life expectancy and Al Qaeda fashion

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, ‘Does he talk?’ The parrot says, ‘Not without a Teleprompter.’ Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We’re also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.