Opinion: Late-night’s best: The secrets within Osama bin Laden’s diary

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As The Ticket’s 64,000-plus Twitter followers here and 6,800 Facebook fans here know, we regularly share our daily picks of the late-night jokes of interest, usually before broadcast each night. Feel free to pass them on to friends using the Share buttons above. Normally, we publish these on Monday mornings.

Letterman: Osama bin Laden’s Diary: ‘April 12 - Dear Diary, Awful TV reception. Death to Time Warner!’ April 20 - Dear Diary, three wives and one bathroom. You do the math.’

Fallon: Yup, Bin Laden reportedly had a porn stash in his hideout. Some interesting titles: ‘Debbie Does Abbottabad,’ ‘Deep Goat’ and ‘Bare Ankles 4.’

Conan: President Obama says the Bin Laden raid was the longest 40 minutes of his life. With the possible exception of every time he asks Joe Biden, ‘Hey, what’s up?’


Letterman: Osama bin Laden did suffer after all. He was cooped up six years with three wives always complaining that he never took them anywhere. Finally, the SEALs arrive and Bin Laden says, ‘What took you so long?’

Letterman: Did you hear of the SEALs’ backup plan? Invite Osama Bin Laden to an Italian restaurant and tape a gun to the toilet.

Letterman: We’re learning more about Osama Bin Laden’s plans. He wanted to create chaos in Washington. Well, thank God that didn’t happen!

Conan: After killing Bin Laden, President Obama’s approval rating was the highest in two years. At this rate, Obama can count on reelection if he just kills Osama bin Laden two more times in the next 12 months.

Letterman: Strange. When I first heard about Osama bin Laden, my first thought was: NOW what will Oprah do for her last guest?

Conan: Officials are confirming that besides SEAL Team 6 there was also a team of lawyers available in case Bin Laden was captured alive. The team goes by the much less exciting code name “Team Weisberg, Melman and Pratt.”

Conan: This past weekend in Detroit, a plane was diverted due to a threatening note. The note said, ‘Welcome to Detroit.’

Fallon: A new report says the population of U.S. millionaires will double by 2020. Of course, by then being a millionaire will mean you have a full gas tank.

Leno: Hollywood is talking now about making a new Mad Max movie where people steal and kill over the world’s limited gas supplies at some time in the future -- like July.

Conan: A Delta passenger was arrested after he tried to open an emergency exit in flight. If he’d succeeded, he’d have been the first Delta passenger ever to make a connection on time.

Leno: Leno: Mick Jagger’s daughter is posing nude in Playboy next month. Here’s the amazing part -- she’s 72 years old.

Letterman: Katie Couric is leaving CBS News after five years. I thought she was a crown jewel. I watched her the other night. I really think it’s time.

Fallon: The Obama 2012 presidential campaign moves into a 50,000-square-foot Chicago office. Ron Paul lands a sweet kiosk at the mall right across from Sunglass Hut.


Americans question 3 Osama bin Laden widows, but they’re reported hostile for some reason

Late-night’s best: What else the SEALs found in Osama bin Laden’s home

Late-night’s best: Living like that, why didn’t Osama just shoot himself?

Late-night’s best: Air Traffic controllers, NFL replacements and Donald Trump

Late-night’s best: Obama, Osama, Oprah, Oh Biden!

-- Andrew Malcolm

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, ‘Does he talk?’ The parrot says, ‘Not without a Teleprompter.’ Monday mornings, the best of late-night. And no need to go out; just click here to follow The Ticket via Twitter alerts of each new Ticket item. Our Facebook Like page is over here. We’re also available on Kindle now. Use the ReTweet buttons below to share this item with family and friends.