She’s Playing the Game of Marriage Roulette
Question: This is my third marriage. The first time I married I was very young, 15, and the marriage ended in divorce in less than a year. Then I married a man to whom I was devoted until his death 11 years later. My current marriage is a happy one. My husband and I have just celebrated our 16th anniversary. I tell you all this so that you’ll know I’m not promiscuous. When I went to visit my sister last summer I met a man and had a one-night affair. I don’t want to see him again, but I would like to repeat the experience. I’ve never cheated before and I do have a good marriage and sex life that I don’t want to jeopardize. (My husband would divorce me if he knew I was unfaithful.) What’s happening to me?
Answer: You sound as though you are bored. Your marriage and sex life are perhaps not as fulfilling as they once were. Instead of playing roulette with your marriage, try spicing it up with a little romance. Recall some of the things you enjoyed most while you were courting and recreate them. I’ll bet your husband will not only be charmed but will come up with a few ideas of his own.
Q: My secretary is, or rather was, the best secretary I’ve ever had. Normally she is so efficient and reliable that she not only makes my busy schedule easier but seems to know what I’m thinking and anticipates my needs. Several months ago her husband left her and began divorce proceedings in order to marry a younger woman. Mary was devastated. She still is unable to concentrate and often becomes teary in the office. I sympathize with what she is going through, but it can’t continue to disrupt the office. Will this adjustment period be over soon or should I begin to search for a new secretary?
A: It’s hard to be efficient and anticipatory when your world is falling apart. Tell your secretary how valuable she is to you, that you understand she’s having a tough time and that you’d like her to take a leave for a specified time in order to get herself together. Make it clear that when she comes back you expect her to be able to concentrate on her work.
Q: Four years ago Al and I became unofficially engaged. He felt it would be better for us to take it slowly and not jump into marriage, because of my three kids. Two-and-a-half years ago he moved in with us so they could get used to having him around. We’re married in every way but for the paper, but I can’t get him to go through a legal ceremony. During the holidays I told him the only thing I wanted for Christmas was a wedding ring. He got me the ring but refuses to do anything else for now. What will it take to persuade him that we’re married in spirit anyway and that a ceremony won’t change anything except to make me happy?
A: Al has made it pretty clear that he has no intention of getting married. You have made it equally clear that you want to get married. It is up to you to decide just how important marriage is to you. You can continue as you have been, or you can evict Al and look for a man who wants to legally make you his wife. The choice is yours.
Q: I wanted so badly to stay close to my grandchildren after their parents divorced. I tried to stay out of their parents’ quarrels and just be available to help out with the children. I’m happy to say that for the most part I have been able to keep a good relationship with my former daughter-in-law, but it’s like walking a tightrope sometimes. When she and my son are having trouble, she tends to feel defensive with me. I never, ever, discuss my son with her. There has been a straining of my relationship with him, too, at times, when he feels that I’m too friendly with Ellen. But the walking on the eggshells is worth it when those two beautiful children come running with their arms out yelling, “Grandma, Grandma.” I miss having them spend the night with me, but I have faith that the day will come when that’s OK, too.
A: What lucky grandchildren you have. Your persistence and love will break down all the barriers that remain, I’m sure. Your letter proves it can be done. Thanks for sharing. You’ve given us all a lift.
Send your questions for possible use in Living With Divorce to Virginia Doody Klein, P.O. Box 16290, St. Louis, Mo. 63105.