Holdout Finally Won Over by Shoulder-Pad Fad

OK, Claude, I give up. You win. You were right all along. Shoulder pads are a girl’s best friend.

To my present regret, I spent years thinking that designer Claude Montana’s huge, shoulder-padded creations were ridiculous and yet another travesty of design foisted on women by men who have no idea how women really ought to look. Early on in the shoulder-pad trend, I firmly decided the football-player look was not for me.

All it took was one recent session of cleaning out my closet with my friend Joni to discover that Montana--and all the other designers who favor strongly shoulder-padded fashions--had it together after all.

Under T-Shirts

Joni, you see, won’t go out of the house without her shoulder pads. She even wears them (convincingly) under T-shirts. She explained why to me on the day she came over to help me go through my closet and decide what to get rid of and what I needed to buy.

“You don’t think my hips look this slim naturally, do you? It’s all an optical illusion,” she said. “If you build up your shoulders, your hips automatically look much smaller.”

I quickly studied Joni and realized that she was right. What’s more, she did not look ridiculous in her shoulder pads (and they were the large, 1 1/2-inch size!).

She just looked great, as usual, and I had never even noticed that she’d become a pad addict. (At one point, when I was trying on all my clothes with the addition of her shoulder pads, she had to leave my apartment to go deposit more money into her parking meter; at that moment, I had to take the pads out of what I was wearing and return them to her so she’d look presentable for her block-and-a-half walk!)

While she was out, I thought about the power of what she’d just taught me. It was shocking. With the addition of these simple little pads that I’d been tearing out of my blouses and sweaters for the last four or five years, I suddenly looked 10 pounds slimmer. I think the problem before was that I used to try on something with shoulder pads and look in the mirror at my shoulders; with Joni’s encouragement, I began to look instead at the total picture. The result was that I had more power in my look, more presence, as the image consultants say.

So, as Joni instructed, I went out and immediately bought a whole wardrobe of shoulder pads. (She prefers the variety that come in a little round paper container that looks like an ice cream carton; appropriately, it’s called Pint O Pads.)

What a difference they’ve made. I get a lot more compliments on how I dress now, and nobody has said, as I used to fear, “What are you trying to do with those inane shoulder pads on?”

Nobody Notices

Indeed, shoulder pads have become so commonplace now that nobody even notices. Or if they do, they must simply figure: “Yes, that’s the fashion.”

Shoulder pads are so much in style that I even noticed recently that polo shirts are now being sold with the pads sewn in. Polo shirts!

And now that I’ve upped my shoulder-pad consciousness, I’ve observed that virtually every outfit on “Dynasty” is equipped with these cheaters, some of which rival the size of Montana’s (both Claude’s and Joe’s).

Finally, I think I understand now what designer Bob Mackie meant when he said Cher’s shoulders are her best attribute.