Checking the Help-Unwanted Listings for the Possible Cushy Life

The dust hasn’t even started to collect on November’s ballot boxes, and already people are lining up for the next U.S. Senate races--in 1986. You’d think that being a senator is a fun job. It’s not. You have to work too hard. A couple of years ago a freshman senator confided to me that five of his committees and subcommittees all met during his first week, some of them on the same day. Who needs that? Besides, whenever you get back to your desk for a little peace and quiet, someone is on the phone wanting something.

For some time now I’ve been checking out government jobs that sound like much more fun than being a senator. They involve really interesting things to do, they pay well and, while some may have political hazards, you don’t have to make the rounds of chicken dinners to keep them. One of those jobs has come open--archivist of the United States. The Archives are stored in a very imposing building on the Mall between Constitution and Pennsylvania avenues. Walk in off the street and you can see original copies of the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution. There are other exhibits, too, and a nice gift shop. There are a lot of other rooms in back that store other stuff. I’m not sure just what.

Robert W. Warner will be retiring in April as the archivist. I thought that I’d apply, but I read in the paper that John Agresto of the National Endowment for the Humanities is supposed to get the job. He has a doctor’s degree in political philosophy, so he’s probably better qualified.

An even better job came open last year, and I didn’t get that one, either. After a long time on the job, S. Dillon Ripley retired as The Secretary (it’s always capitalized like that, since he’s so important) of the Smithsonian Institution. Ripley caused something of a fuss over the years because he traveled around the world a lot studying birds--his hobby--but he never got fired. The Smithsonian has all those museums and puts on a lot of festivals. It has a board of directors called The Establishment, run by people like the President, the Vice President and the Chief Justice who are too busy doing their own jobs to worry much about what The Secretary is doing.

Another fellow from some university got the Smithsonian job.

Being the Librarian of Congress would be fun, particularly if you like to read a lot. Daniel J. Boorstin seems to have this one pretty well sewed up.

Director of the National Park Service used to be a neat job. You could visit Yellowstone in the summer and the Everglades or the Virgin Islands in the winter. The problem is that you have to stay friends with the secretary of the Interior, and they’ve grown scarce lately. Anyway, who wants to wear one of those funny hats?

Commandant of the Coast Guard sounds like a good job. I imagine that the commandant could help referee the America’s Cup races and give cocktail parties on a cutter. The Coast Guard Academy never seems to have a very good football team, however.

The doorkeeper of the U.S. House of Representatives is pretty important, although nobody knows his name these days. Whenever the President comes to address Congress, the doorkeeper gets to stand at the door and call out, “The President of the United States.” It’s probably pretty boring the rest of the time.

The best of all may be High Commissioner of the Trust Territory in the Pacific. His office is on Saipan, Mariana Islands. There’s no telephone listed. Maybe no phones at all.