At Last, a Real Solution to the Income Tax Blues
There is no feeling like the one that sweeps over you when your tax man looks at the total on his calculator, chokes and turns pale. “Let me check these figures again,” he mumbles, not wanting to look you in the eye.
The figures almost always turn out to be right, and you walk out stunned. By the time you’re back on the Santa Ana Freeway, you’re furious. By the time you get home, you want someone killed. Anyone connected with a government will do.
This is all so unnecessary, because the biggest fault of income tax is not that it’s so much but that it’s so poorly promoted. If we learned anything from the Olympics, it’s that a losing operation can be turned into a fabulous winner by a smart promoter.
Any decent promoter can see at a glance what’s wrong with the income tax. People really hate it because it makes their money simply disappear. It’s not much different from being robbed: The guy takes your money, and all you know for sure is how much you lost.
Now, in Orange County, some people have tons of money and most people have enough. What’s more, most of them really like Reagan and Deukmejian, who are the chief tax men.
So in a place like Orange County, deft promotion should be able to turn around this negative attitude toward income tax. Taxpayers can be made to pony up with a smile on their lips and a song in their hearts--if they know that their money is going for something they can identify.
Other fund-raisers learned this eons ago. Robert Schuller financed his Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove by “selling” specific panes in the cathedral shell. UC Irvine got $1 million from Irvine Co. Chairman Donald Bren, and it’s no coincidence that the name on that check will also be the name on the new Events Center on campus.
In Orange County last tax year, Mr. or Ms. Tax Payer donated on the average about $595 to the state and $4,409 to the feds, but not one of them even got a thank-you note. Governments are the biggest charity/nonprofit organizations going, and it’s time they started acting like it.
How much better Mr. and Ms. Payer would feel if they received a grateful acknowledgment, such as, “Thank you for your generous contribution to the State of California. Your $595 will pay for the 11 inches of the Corona del Mar Freeway lying due east of the storm drain grate under the Campus Drive overpass.”
This is money spent for something tangible, and it can make Payer proud he’s paying taxes, especially if he or she hates being tied up at the Campus Drive traffic signal.
But if the system is left to chance, it could go very wrong. Payer, who thinks we’re too soft on criminals, could receive this card instead: “Thank you for your contribution, which will be credited to the retirement benefits of Chief Justice Rose Bird.” (Come to think of it, Payer might like that, if the benefits were paid immediately.)
But far from being a problem, the threat of such a mismatch would be a boon. Liberals and conservatives alike, anguishing over whether their money will be paying the salary of Rep. Robert Dornan or Assemblyman Tom Hayden, would gladly pay a premium to ensure satisfaction.
Presto, an instant new source of revenue. For an added 10% or so, any taxpayer could specify where his or her money will go.
There must be many law-and-order conservatives glad to pay a little extra for a judge to pronounce: “For mugging that old lady you get 20 years, you scum bag, and this sentence is brought to you through the courtesy of Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Grim of Fountain Valley.”
How many would pay to have their names engraved on the bars that keep Charles Manson off the streets? How much more would they pay to have their names embroidered on special “Make My Day” cyanide packs stockpiled for executions at San Quentin? Since the stuff only costs the state $7 per execution and it takes so long to get around to one, the profits would be immense.
How many members of the Lincoln Club, so used to contributing big sums to Republican causes, would be willing to dig really deep and sponsor their own MX?
No individual could really afford all 71 feet of a $143-million missile; at that price the average taxpayer could afford less than 1/32 of an inch. But for a hefty premium, a wealthy person could sponsor one of its 10 warheads.
He or she would receive a certificate, suitable for framing, acknowledging the largess and specifying which city had been selected as the warhead’s target. An accompanying full-color brochure would profile the city’s major features and endangered population.
Liberals unhappy because the Social Security system is so impoverished and impersonal could do something about it. They could be assigned widows of their own, and the widows’ checks would arrive personally signed by their sponsors.
The maximum payroll deduction would cover the widow’s benefits for 6 3/4 months. Something extra would extend that a bit and assure you of a widow within driving distance. You could occasionally drop by with croissants, allowing her to be thankful and making sure she’s not blowing the money on cigarettes.
There would be no stopping this reform once it catches on. Like the Olympic organizers, the federal and state government would go for the really big dollars of corporate sponsorship, and soon Fuji would be the official surveillance film of the FBI and Coke the official refreshment of the Drug Enforcement Agency.
Which is only right. Since so many of our elected representatives are corporately sponsored, why not the government itself?
