MAKE ROOM FOR ‘YUPPIE NEWS’ : Quick, Everybody Into the Spa--and Don’t Forget the Brie

No matter what some say, CBS News insists that “West 57th,” its new “contemporary” newsmagazine series with four attractive reporters in their 30s, is not a yuppie news program aimed at attracting an audience of young urban professionals.

You can believe this because the program’s executive producer, Andrew Lack, 38, recently told TV critics: “I hope my mother watches this show.”

There is no evidence at all that “West 57th”--the title comes from the New York street on which CBS News lives--will investigate pasta, health clubs, Tex-Mex food, Dressing for Success or what to do when your main squeeze says: “I’m not ready for a commitment.”

In considering possible stories, said producer Lack, he and his staff don’t ask, “ ‘Is this a story that will appeal to those of us who are 30, or those of us who are 50?’ ”

He said all this at a “West 57th” pilot screening in Phoenix, where critics saw reports on such things as the Rajneesh cult in Oregon; young Republicans; venereal disease, and movie star Chuck Norris.

True, AP critic Fred Rothenberg said what was shown had sort of an MTV pace and seemed a fizzy Pepsi Generation-edition of “60 Minutes.”

But a news series for self-absorbed, affluent, BMW-driving, Brie-stained yuppies? Never. If CBS wanted to do such a program, observers say, it would call the thing “West 67th.”

It would broadcast the program from the Hamptons out East. That’s where young New York professionals--lawyers, literary agents, copywriters, news producers and the like--swarm each summer and by sunset resemble a slumber party in madras.

The program’s theme song would be “We Are the World and You’re Not.”

And its first feature would look at the recent yuppie telethon for victims of a leveraged buyout.

True, “West 67th” would give you a lot of Saab stories. But there also would be analysis on why rosemary is in and basil out, hints on what to wear to a corporate takeover, and tips on where to put the poor people after you’ve evicted them from that brownstone you’re remodeling.

You also could expect reports on why infants do better if born after their mothers become partners in major law firms. And household hints on what do to if, say, your Cuisinart backfires. And in-depth profiles of Arnold Glimcher and Adelaide de Menil.

(I haven’t the foggiest idea of who Arnold Glimcher and Adelaide de Menil are, but they’re listed in the current Vanity Fair as among the big names who summer in the Hamptons. So they should be profiled.)

“West 67th” also would do major stories on Power Breakfasts, Power Squash and Power Couples. For those who must keep posted on world affairs, there would be a foreign correspondent to report on events in Beverly Hills, Washington and Aspen, with periodic updates on political turmoil in the tiny republic of Bain de Soleil.

Each week also would bring a segment called the 10 Best Restaurants in New York (one of the 10, of course, is Le Stiff, in the news recently after no fewer than 18 power couples dining there simultaneously fell asleep while discussing their relationships).

There definitely would be a segment called Urban Survival Strategy, a must for yuppie viewers. It would give tips on hostage crises, like what to say if a Chablis-sodden Hamptons house guest learns you’re from Los Angeles and then asks:

“Do you blow-dry your teeth?”

(The preferred response: “You must be from New York. You have lithium breath.”)

No, we’ve been assured, “West 57th” will not be the kind of yuppie-news show that “West 67th” would be--a crass attempt to cater to viewers with a median age of 32.5, an average yearly income of $95,000, a condo in Manhattan and a relationship in the shop.

It’s just as well. Yuppies work so hard for all this that they, er, really don’t have time to watch television.